As I mentioned in the last post, I have several things that are daily reminders of Raelyn that I either carry with me all the time or keep close when I need to see more.
This is a necklace that I ordered from www.myforeverchild.com and I love it. They are her footprints! I just sent them a .jpg scan and they engraved them onto this sterling silver heart.
The back side is also engraved with her name and birthdate. Many times I get lost in thoughts of Raelyn throughout my day and when I come out of my reverie, I find that my hand is covering my heart and I am holding this pendant. I guess it is the closest I will get to holding her again.
My husband bought me a ring when we were seniors in high school and gave it to me for Christmas. We never called it a promise ring, but that's kind of what it was. I loved it because a) I'd never seen one like it before and b) he picked it out for me. Fast forward six years. (wow that sounds like a long time!) When we found out we were pregnant, I introduced my husband to the idea of "push presents," gifts husbands get their wives as thanks for carrying and birthing their children, and I told him that I had always wanted a sapphire ring and that now he had nine months to look for something. :-) When Raelyn was born and died in September, we took the center diamond out of that promise ring and turned it into a mother's ring. This was not how I wanted my sapphire, but I think it is beautiful and I wear it every day.
My mom gave me a gift the first time we went to her house after I was released from the hospital in September. It was a James Avery bracelet and charm called "Flower of Hope." I don't generally like charm bracelets but this one has special significance because hope is exactly what I needed then and my mom was the place that I least expected it from. That night was also the first time in our marriage that she hugged my husband so that hope was far-reaching. Also, if you turn the charm sideways, it says 'be' which is comforting because sometimes that is all I can do.
This is the picture I mentioned in the last post as being part of my special place in the house for Raelyn. My mom made it for me and gave it to me for Christmas. She has never said Raelyn's name out loud but she mentioned one time that she had a miscarriage of her own. She said that she didn't even know it had happened until she went to the doctor weeks later. The fact that she remembers makes me think that she has an idea of what this road feels like, but we don't ever talk about it.
Sometimes my husband and I just sit on the couch opposite this wall, gazing at these pictures and just remember, dream, hope, grieve, pray. These are the only ways that we can parent. We can remember Raelyn and our short time with her. We can dream of what she might have liked to do, eat, or play. We can hope for the future and keep moving forward. We can grieve the death of not only our daughter, but also the death of the dreams we had for our future. We can pray to the most high God to give us peace and strength as we walk ahead, every minute spent here one minute further away from the last time we saw her.
Draw near to us, O Lord, as strive to daily walk with You. Let us be a light to each other as well as to those we meet along the way.
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all. ~Psalm 34:17-19