Life is difficult

There are so many things in my head right now. This week has been really difficult for me. Sunday was the six month anniversary of Raelyn’s death and in some ways I feel like it is just now hitting me. I was really dreading Sunday, but I woke up doing okay. I thought about her a lot in that time after waking but before the alarm goes off. I tried to remember all of the details about her and her short life with us that I could and I was okay—kind of peaceful, but in a dazed sort of way. It wasn’t until the worship started at church that I lost it. I couldn’t even sing, I was crying so much and my chest hurt. I don’t know what song they were singing and it didn’t matter—sometimes it is just so difficult for me to praise God and proclaim His goodness when I don’t feel it or see it. I know He is just as good now as He was before and He will be forever because He doesn’t change, but sometimes it is hard to acknowledge all the goodness even though I am covered in it.

Monday, we all went to load up some furniture from Philip’s Granny’s house so except for the driving time, I didn’t really have opportunity for thinking/remembering too much.

The last three days at work, though, have been rough. I feel manic or something. You know that Southwest Airlines commercial with the really nice ticket lady whose head rotates and she becomes evil—I am that girl. I can laugh, joke, and be nice to all of my coworkers but the moment that I turn around to walk away, my smile dissolves and whatever light I had mustered to cover the pain in my eyes goes out. I go home and just vegetate, even when my husband is home. The numbness is just overwhelming and the worst part is that I am afraid to talk to anyone. I wonder sometimes if I am making too much out of this—I was the only one in my life who remembered about that day. I know that everyone has stuff going on and the world doesn’t revolve around me but I feel like people just want me to move on and quit bringing her up. (Please, if you read this blog and you know me in real life, don’t be concerned—this is why I blog, to get these feelings that I can’t say out loud off my chest.) Every time I try to talk about my feelings with someone I get a suggestion on what to ‘do’ about my feelings. I don’t want suggestions or advice because there is no answer to this. There is nothing short of having my two-month old daughter in my arms that will make this any better.

It is kind of like Christmas. (just go with me here) When you’re a child and it comes time to open presents, tearing off the wrapping paper is almost as fun as discovering the gift inside. You know you’re getting a gift regardless of the paper, but the wrapping is still beautiful and it makes getting to the gift that much more fun. The gift that I have received is the gift of everlasting love, endless grace, and eternal salvation. Sometimes it is wrapped in blessings that I cannot fathom. Sometimes it is wrapped in peace that passes all understanding. Sometimes it is wrapped in sadness. The wrapping does not change the gift; only the path I must take to get to the gift that I know is inside.

I know God’s hand is upon my life and that the Holy Spirit walks this road with me. I know that I am blessed beyond measure with the gift of salvation. I know all of this with my head because the Word says so, but on those days when my heart forgets that the only reason I am walking is by God’s grace, life is difficult.


Lea said...

Sweet, sweet Raelyn. She will forever be with you.
I understand the comment about wanting people to remember. I too, often feel like people just thinks it's easier not to remember our babies... to move on. As Mother's we cannot. We can only try to find peace, if only for short spurts at a time.