Naming it

I have been largely silent here for the past few weeks. I have been feeling like I want to write something, anything but I have been telling myself that I just don't have time because I'm too busy. Wednesday night, on my 20th-ish consecutive night spent in front of the computer watching old episodes of my favorite TV shows it hit me. I was watching last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy (if you don't watch it, bear with me) and I got to the end of the episode where Owen is in therapy with Dr. Wyatt. She is encouraging him to speak his feelings so that they can start to work through his post-traumatic stress disorder and when he finally does, she says something that struck me. Here is the conversation:

Owen: I jumped. In front of her car. And she was just driving to the bank.

Dr. Wyatt: Are you talking about Cristina?

Owen: I jumped in front of her. I knew, I knew I wasn't together. I knew I was no good for her, or for anyone. And I wrecked her. And that is unforgivable. I don't forgive myself for that. I can't forgive myself for that. And I feel shameful about that. That is what I feel today. Shame.

Dr. Wyatt: Good. That's a start.

Owen: How is that a start?

Dr. Wyatt: You named it. The feeling. You have to know what it is, before you can start to navigate to somewhere better.

I am not busy. I come home from work and don't want to do anything--just sit on the couch and vegetate. I can't write because I don't know how to name this feeling. I don't even know if there is a feeling. How can I sum up such conflicting emotions? How can I think about moving forward? How can I think about leaving her behind? How can I qualitatively describe the effects of a life which some don't even consider to be a life? How can her existence only be chronicled in this tiny little corner of the internet? How can I continue to write about this child that I never got the opportunity to know? How can I not continue? How do I reconcile my love for the sovereign God of the universe with my limited understanding of His perfect plan for my life? How can I not love Him? How do I comprehend His unending love for me while remembering the fact that He holds my daughter in Heaven? How can I not rejoice for her and praise Him for His grace?

For some of these questions, there is no answer. For some, there is no question. These are some of the questions banging around in my heart as I try to name this feeling so that I can begin to navigate to somewhere better.


Brooke said...

You will never leave Raelyn behind, even while moving forward. She is your daughter and you are her mother. You will always carry her with you. She is a life, she did exist and does exist more than just on this blog.... If you cannot describe every feeling you have from moment to moment...especially in these early months of grief, which you are still in, that is totally normal! They go from one extreme to another, constantly...and they are nothing you now have to sum up into words...that would be impossible.
Just be....just do....what ever you need to do to get through the day. It will get easier...but it may not stay easier.
Wishing you peace...even if it lasts only a moment.
Because then, it will return again....
In Love, Brooke

Whitney said...

I know exactly how you feel. Going forward feels like you're letting them go when you don't to...but you have no choice but to move on. It makes no sense, and you're right, there's no naming it.

I'm so sorry you lost your little girl to T18, but I'm so happy to have found your blog. There's comfort in knowing you've survived so long, when it feels like I won't make it past next week.