Mother's Day 2009 is over.
I did get a phone call from my friend who 'gets it' and a card from a friend from work who has no children, but is incredibly sweet. My husband gave me a handmade mother/child heart pendant and wished me a Happy Mother's Day as soon as I woke up so I thought I was going to have an okay day.
I was most worried about church and if I was going to be upset by the message or the recognition of all the mothers. I wondered if I was going to stand with them or not. I have the marks of a mother, just not the marks of a Mom. I have the stretch marks, the dark circles under my eyes, the saggy places that didn't use to sag. What I don't have is the diaper bag instead of the purse, the carseat in the back of the car, or, most importantly, my beautiful 3 month old daughter. I had decided that I would stand proudly, even if I had tears falling, in honor of Raelyn, but there was no recognition at church. There was little recognition with my family either. I overlooked the cards that didn't come. I sat at meals with two different sets of family as people passed "Happy Mother's Day" across me, but inside I was crying out. I was dying to pull my pictures out of my purse and pass them around the tables to prove that I am a mother because no one seems to remember. Even the ones who were present at her birth gave no indication that they had ever set foot in my delivery room.
But I didn't rain on anyone else's day. I put on my 'face' and smiled and laughed while I cried inside. It's days like this that make me wish I was more outspoken for myself. Now, I feel guilty that I never stood and took my place as Raelyn's mom--like I was ashamed or something. I wonder if everyone thinks that since I didn't push it, since I didn't make an issue out of everything, that I'm 'over it' or that I don't think about her anymore or that I don't consider myself a mother.
I didn't choose this. I was chosen to be Raelyn's mom. God chose this path for me before the beginning of time. I don't know why. I don't know how to walk this road except by the grace of God. I have to lean on Him to be able to move forward every day. I read a quote today that really made sense to me at this time. "Who God uses, He bruises. What He makes, He first breaks." I don't know that I am completely broken because I grieve with hope, but I am severely bruised. I am not even sure how I am being used at this point, but someday, maybe never on this earth, I will understand the Master's plan and how Raelyn and I fit into it.