Mother's Day 2009 is over.  

I did get a phone call from my friend who 'gets it' and a card from a friend from work who has no children, but is incredibly sweet.  My husband gave me a handmade mother/child heart pendant and wished me a Happy Mother's Day as soon as I woke up so I thought I was going to have an okay day.

I was most worried about church and if I was going to be upset by the message or the recognition of all the mothers.  I wondered if I was going to stand with them or not.  I have the marks of a mother, just not the marks of a Mom.  I have the stretch marks, the dark circles under my eyes, the saggy places that didn't use to sag.  What I don't have is the diaper bag instead of the purse, the carseat in the back of the car, or, most importantly, my beautiful 3 month old daughter.  I had decided that I would stand proudly, even if I had tears falling, in honor of Raelyn, but there was no recognition at church.  There was little recognition with my family either.  I overlooked the cards that didn't come.  I sat at meals with two different sets of family as people passed "Happy Mother's Day" across me, but inside I was crying out.  I was dying to pull my pictures out of my purse and pass them around the tables to prove that I am a mother because no one seems to remember.  Even the ones who were present at her birth gave no indication that they had ever set foot in my delivery room.  

But I didn't rain on anyone else's day.  I put on my 'face' and smiled and laughed while I cried inside.  It's days like this that make me wish I was more outspoken for myself.  Now, I feel guilty that I never stood and took my place as Raelyn's mom--like I was ashamed or something.  I wonder if everyone thinks that since I didn't push it, since I didn't make an issue out of everything, that I'm 'over it' or that I don't think about her anymore or that I don't consider myself a mother.  

I didn't choose this.  I was chosen to be Raelyn's mom.  God chose this path for me before the beginning of time.  I don't know why.  I don't know how to walk this road except by the grace of God.  I have to lean on Him to be able to move forward every day.  I read a quote today that really made sense to me at this time.  "Who God uses, He bruises.  What He makes, He first breaks."  I don't know that I am completely broken because I grieve with hope, but I am severely bruised.  I am not even sure how I am being used at this point, but someday, maybe never on this earth, I will understand the Master's plan and how Raelyn and I fit into it.


Rebekah said...

I'm so sorry you had such a rough day. You have more courage & strength than I do going to church on such a rough day- I wish you'd gotten the recognition you deserve. ((hugs))

Whitney said...

Mother's day was difficult for me too. But I wanted you to know that I did not forget you on Mother's day. I thought of you and your baby girl.

You can email me if you'd like. I will always listen because I know how much it still hurts.


Brooke said...

I am sorry there were not more people to honor you...
You deserve to be honored. You are a mother. Raelyn is your daughter and because she is not here with you as you would have liked doesn't make it any less real.
I honor you. You gave life and love to her and you will continue to give love to your little girl, throughout your life.
Happy Mother's Day....everyday....
In love, Brooke