Rhetorical Questions I Could Never Ask Aloud

I haven't had much to say here lately.

Some days I feel like my knee is raised, foot poised to plant down that next step toward something else, and then suddenly I am flat on my back again.

Yesterday, as I showed my worn out shoe to my coworker, I said "I just got these before Christmas!" To which she replied, "Honey, Christmas was over eight months ago! You said that like it was just yesterday!" It was all I could do to blush profusely, avert my eyes, and mumble some incoherent response before walking away. How has it been eight months since Christmas? How am I just over a month away from starting "a year ago's"? What has happened to my life?

Flat on my back again.

The day before that, I hear that my brother-in-law is "for sure" going to enter into marriage again. The problem is that my spirit is so disturbed by her that I cannot look either of them in the eye. I hear things about grandbabies and first grandbaby and how excited everyone is for them and how we better get pregnant soon so that they don't have the oldest grandchild. I was pregnant and carried the first grandbaby. Raelyn made us grandparents and uncles and parents. The oldest grandchild will live her life in Heaven, praising Jesus every day.

Flat on my back again.

Last night, my husband asks me "Have you ever felt like you were supposed to do something great? I feel like I'm on the edge of doing something great, I just don't know what." The only time I have ever felt like that was the day I found out I was pregnant and somehow I even failed my "something great." He told me about three months ago that he had moved on, but this made it real for me. Am I wallowing? Now I really am the only one who is still bleeding. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? We have joined a new church, started in the choir/praise team, started coming out of the darkness and suddenly all I want to do is retreat to the fetal position.

Flat on my back again.

I have read all about the stages of grief. I have read more blogs than I can remember about mamas at all different points on the timeline of grief and very few of them truly resonate with me anymore. Most everyone seems to have moved on, whether in the form of a ministry, new job, or rainbow baby. I am stuck. Left behind. Even in real life, I haven't talked to my friend who was pregnant with me or seen her baby since he came home from the hospital 6 months ago. She doesn't return my e-mails. She has moved on. My other friend who suffered through an ectopic pregnancy early in her marriage and was so supportive in the early days after my own loss also has not returned my e-mails. We used to get together once or twice a month with our families and I would get to play with her baby girl (who is now 15 months old). I'm sure they got tired of talking about "it" or were uncomfortable with my excessive staring and marvelling at their healthy beautiful daughter. They have moved on. My mom wants to have a garage sale and get rid of most of the baby stuff that we bought last year in preparation for Raelyn so that she will have more room at her house. I have offered to bring it all to my house so it won't be in her way, but she thinks her idea is a better option. She has moved on.

How do I reclaim some small part of my life?
Shouldn't I be better by now (not completely healed, but at least a little better)?
Would a rainbow baby truly make me smile again?
How do I reconcile my life and my faith?
Everybody's doin' it--How do I move on?


Rebecca said...

I know you meant these things rhetorically, but even so, I would'nt have the answers. I just wanted you to know that *someone* has read this post (more times than I can count actually) and cares about your grieving heart and the questions that you dare to ask. I am sorry for seeming 'stuck' while everyone else apparently 'moves on'.

It has been only a short time for me since losing my daughter, instead of the many long months it has been for you. I will pray that you find healing soon, that you 'reclaim part of your life', and that your faith will give you strength and courage to do both.

Just wanted you to know. I. Care.