Still not pregnant.
But I'm okay with that... sort of. It is hard for me to reconcile wanting to honor Raelyn's short life and yet wanting to be pregnant again so badly. I watched a video last night from this blogpost called Plan A vs. Plan B. It is a small window into the lives of Angie and Todd Smith, the proud parents of Audrey Caroline. Watch it if you have time because it really reaffirmed to me what God has been trying to tell me these past 4 months. I feel like I am living Plan B because Plan A (you know, the one where I am bringing my newborn baby girl home sometime this week) was shattered into a million pieces last Sept 29. The reality is that my Plan B will ALWAYS be better than my Plan A. Always.
Why, you ask? Because my Plan B is the only one that I don't have my hands in. It is completely ordained and formulated from God's heart and His will for my life. I have the illusion of control while I am living in Plan A because it is my agenda. I heard in a country song once "if you want to hear God laugh, just tell Him your plans." My Plan A could never be as great or as well thought out or... as difficult as God's plan is for my life. I have to go through the trials to be tested, tried, and found pure or I will break, but that doesn't make me like it any more. It is an awful feeling to be told that your firstborn daughter will not live, but at the same time, it is an amazing feeling to know that until you get there, your daughter is in the hands of the greatest babysitter ever! She will be held in the arms of Jesus until He hands her back to me! She'll never have to experience pain or heartbreak or live her entire life, however short, with needles and tubes and doctors. She went straight from the love and comfort of my womb to her Father's waiting arms. In that aspect, I know that His plan is better.
The other HUGE part of Plan A vs. Plan B is that Plan A never really existed. Angie is right--nothing that happens here on Earth is a surprise to God. It all fits perfectly into His plan--my Plan B or C or Z. How can I be so distraught over something that never really existed? Huh. I have been asked that question in different forms countless times since losing Raelyn--"at least she hadn't been born yet" or "at least you didn't really know her." A close friend told me that motherhood begins with an idea. Before any positive test or sickness or movement, there is the idea of pregnancy and a newborn baby at the end of it. So, not only am I mourning the loss of my baby girl, but also the loss of this dream, this plan that I had for my life.
That is what I have to give up to God--the loss of the dream--because it shouldn't have been my focus anyway. Now I am trying to shift my focus from the life that goes on around me to the Author of that life so that my thoughts become more like His and I am not so against His plan.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11
Still not pregnant.