January 26, 2009

Baby Girl,

Today is the day. I was supposed to meet you today. I was supposed to hear your first cry, see the color of your hair and eyes, and feel your weight nestled against my chest. I was supposed to write Raelyn Elise on your birth certificate as you wrote on my heart. I was supposed to memorize your face with my fingertips. I was supposed to see the love of a daddy holding his daughter for the first time. I was supposed to see grandparents come together and forget their differences (for one day at least) for your sake.

Instead, you have already come and been gone almost four months now. Instead, I am staring at your name written in the sands of Australia and hoping that you know that one is your name. Instead, I cover your pictures with the fingerprints of a mother who wants her daughter back. Instead, I watch the pain flash through your daddy's eyes as he remembers the significance of this date. Instead, I lie in bed wondering where we would be if things had been different.

I must remind myself constantly that for things to have been different, we would have had to step out of God's will. It hurts so much, but maybe this is where I am supposed to be...

I love you with all my heart,

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. ~Psalm 139