January 29, 2009

Sorry for the ramblings to come in this post, but I guess you knew they were coming from the title of my blog.

I'm having difficulties reconciling all my feelings (or lack thereof) with my faith. I feel... numb. I don't know how else to describe it. It has been four months so everyone thinks that I am okay or that I am 'over it' because I can fake a smile at work or I don't run away crying when my coworker tells me she is expecting a girl. Maybe I am okay because of those things. But, it has only been four months. I should still be crying and sad, right? I watched a movie last night in which the leading lady lost two babies. My heart physically hurt, but I didn't cry for her or for me. That hurt in my chest is the only tangible feeling that I can name. It happens in moments like that movie, or pictures of a close friend's baby girl, or a baby shower invitation, or the news that my coworker is having a girl. It is a crushing weight on my heart that takes my breath away for a moment and I feel a prickling at the back of my eyes, but no tears come. Sometimes I will them to come. I long for that catharsis that only crying until there are no more tears can bring. I feel like I need to be broken as I was in those first empty days without her; those days when there was nothing to do but lean on God.

This numbness is horrifying. It is the glue that holds me together and keeps me from falling apart even though that is exactly what I need to do. I don't know how to break it. I pray but it feels like I am dictating a report--there is no feeling, no passion, no response from my spirit. My heart doesn't leap at the thought of talking with God anymore. It's not because I have lost hope--I have immense hope for the future both here on Earth and in Heaven. We will have children (one way or another), we will get through this together, and we will be reunited with Raelyn in Heaven. However, we don't have Raelyn now, and I don't have more children on the way yet. Maybe I just don't have hope for the present, and I don't know how to deal with that.

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him ~Psalm 37:3-7