Ramblings of My Heart and Soul

My husband and I joined the choir at our new church a couple of weeks ago. We arrived early to the first practice and there was only one other lady in the room. As I helped her unload her snacks for the evening, she started a conversation which included "the question" about children. She asked "Do you have any kids?" and I responded, "Not at home with us." not really wanting to get so personal with an almost complete stranger. She looked at me funny and asked what that meant and I explained that we had our first daughter in September but that she died the day she was born. Her next question floored me... "What is her name?" No one I have ever told about Raelyn ever thought to ask her name. She told me that she liked the name and then others started coming in and the subject was changed.

Fast forward two weeks to this past Wednesday night. The whole choir is seated and getting ready for rehearsal. This same lady is seated next to me and she turns and asks, "So what day in September is your Raelyn's birthday?" I told her and when she repeated it aloud the woman sitting on the other side of her said "That's my birthday!" The one who was talking to me turned to her and said "Her daughter's birthday is that day." The second woman leaned around her and asked me how old she was going to be and the first woman intercepted the question, saying "Her baby lives in Heaven. She was here for one day." The second woman looked at me with chagrin, mumbling her apologies and I tried to smooth it over by saying something like "She shared her birthday with someone great and I didn't even know it!" Then rehearsal started.

I couldn't believe a) she remembered everything I told her about Raelyn in that initial two minute conversation and b) she had the courage to bring it up again. She has not mentioned a loss of her own, but I think that for her to internalize that information and know how much it matters to me, she has to have been deeply affected by a loss. I cried that night when I got home because it touched my heart that just when I was feeling alone, she came along and was able to tear down the wall with a single question... "What is her name?"

Things I needed to hear today...

Excerpt from EPSN article on Tony Dungy entitled “Amazing Grace”

“In the early-morning hours of Dec. 22, 2005, Tony and Lauren Dungy lived a parent's worst nightmare when they learned their eldest son and second of five children, 18-year-old James, had been found dead in his suburban Tampa, Fla., apartment. In February, James' death was ruled a suicide.”

Quotes of Tony Dungy from various interviews and speeches concerning the death of his son:

“Why do bad things happen? I don’t know. Why did [James] die? I don’t know. But I do know that God has the answers, I know he loves me, and I know he has a plan – whether it makes sense to me or not. Rather than asking why, I’m asking what. What can I learn from this? What can I do for God’s glory and to help others?”

“The Lord has a plan. We always think the plans are A, B, C and D, and everything is going to be perfect for us and it may not be that way, but it's still his plan. A lot of tremendous things are going to happen, it just may not be the way you see them. You may not win the Super Bowl. Your kids may not go on to be doctors and lawyers and everything may not go perfectly. That doesn't mean it was a bad plan or the wrong thing. It's just like a football season. Everything's not going to go perfect. You're going to have some losses that you're going to have to bounce back from and some things that are a little unforeseen that you're going to have to deal with. It's how you work your way through things.”

“If God had talked to me before James’ death and said his death would have helped all these people, it would have saved them and healed their sins, but I would have to take your son, I would have said no, I can’t do that. But God had the same choice 2,000 years ago with His Son, Jesus Christ, and it paved the way for you and me to have eternal life. That’s the benefit I got, that’s the benefit James got and that’s the benefit you can get if you accept Jesus into your heart today as your Savior.”

I am trying to be more postive in my outlook on life. I am trying to not be so negative in my thoughts, actions, and words. In turn, this leaves me with not much to say.

Psalm 43:2-5

2 You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?
3 Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell.
4 Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God.
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

I haven't had much to say here lately.


Some days I feel like my knee is raised, foot poised to plant down that next step toward something else, and then suddenly I am flat on my back again.


Yesterday, as I showed my worn out shoe to my coworker, I said "I just got these before Christmas!" To which she replied, "Honey, Christmas was over eight months ago! You said that like it was just yesterday!" It was all I could do to blush profusely, avert my eyes, and mumble some incoherent response before walking away. How has it been eight months since Christmas? How am I just over a month away from starting "a year ago's"? What has happened to my life?


Flat on my back again.


The day before that, I hear that my brother-in-law is "for sure" going to enter into marriage again. The problem is that my spirit is so disturbed by her that I cannot look either of them in the eye. I hear things about grandbabies and first grandbaby and how excited everyone is for them and how we better get pregnant soon so that they don't have the oldest grandchild. I was pregnant and carried the first grandbaby. Raelyn made us grandparents and uncles and parents. The oldest grandchild will live her life in Heaven, praising Jesus every day.


Flat on my back again.


Last night, my husband asks me "Have you ever felt like you were supposed to do something great? I feel like I'm on the edge of doing something great, I just don't know what." The only time I have ever felt like that was the day I found out I was pregnant and somehow I even failed my "something great." He told me about three months ago that he had moved on, but this made it real for me. Am I wallowing? Now I really am the only one who is still bleeding. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? We have joined a new church, started in the choir/praise team, started coming out of the darkness and suddenly all I want to do is retreat to the fetal position.


Flat on my back again.


I have read all about the stages of grief. I have read more blogs than I can remember about mamas at all different points on the timeline of grief and very few of them truly resonate with me anymore. Most everyone seems to have moved on, whether in the form of a ministry, new job, or rainbow baby. I am stuck. Left behind. Even in real life, I haven't talked to my friend who was pregnant with me or seen her baby since he came home from the hospital 6 months ago. She doesn't return my e-mails. She has moved on. My other friend who suffered through an ectopic pregnancy early in her marriage and was so supportive in the early days after my own loss also has not returned my e-mails. We used to get together once or twice a month with our families and I would get to play with her baby girl (who is now 15 months old). I'm sure they got tired of talking about "it" or were uncomfortable with my excessive staring and marvelling at their healthy beautiful daughter. They have moved on. My mom wants to have a garage sale and get rid of most of the baby stuff that we bought last year in preparation for Raelyn so that she will have more room at her house. I have offered to bring it all to my house so it won't be in her way, but she thinks her idea is a better option. She has moved on.


How do I reclaim some small part of my life?
Shouldn't I be better by now (not completely healed, but at least a little better)?
Would a rainbow baby truly make me smile again?
How do I reconcile my life and my faith?
Everybody's doin' it--How do I move on?