Heart Cry

The song you are hearing (if you have the sound on and are not 'blurking' at work) has become my heart cry. You can see a live performance of this song here--Desert Song.

The verses say:

This is my prayer in the desert...

This is my prayer in the fire...

This is my prayer in the battle...

This is my prayer in the harvest...

and it's all the same prayer!

1 Peter 4:11 says "If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." I had heard that verse many times before but it's hard to praise him in the storms. This song made it real to me. My response should be the same if I am given $100 or have to pay $100; if I have joy or sorrow; if I taste life or death. The prayer is this: (chorus)

I will bring praise! I will bring praise!

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice! I will declare

God is my victory and He is here.

Praise is our only reasonable response to any situation, good or bad. I have learned that we, as humans, are subject to the sinful nature of earth and the ruler of the darkness that abides here. Not everything that happens to us was sent by God. I don't believe that this financial crisis the US is facing was sent by God or that the cancer that is ravaging my coworker's sixteen year old daughter was sent by God or that my own daughter's trisomy was sent by God. God knows of these things and has worked them into His plan, but the scripture says: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28. God doesn't only send good and you will not only have good things in your life if you love God, but in all things God works for the good. He will take the bad that we are experiencing here on earth and turn it into something good for us. We may not see it now but someday (maybe in Heaven) we will see the good that has come from tragedy.

The best part of the song, the part that has become my heart cry, is the bridge:

All of my life, in every season,

You are still God

And I have a reason to sing.

I have a reason to worship!

In every season. In every season. In every season...I have a reason to worship! The God of the Universe is still seated on His throne and he still loves me with all of His ginormous heart! I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship. Even when my life is falling apart around me and death weaves its way in and out of my life taking pieces of my heart as it goes, I have a reason to worship!

Some background on this thoughts behind this post... We found out we were pregnant in May and almost exactly a month later, our best couple friends found out they were expecting too. Everyone said we were having a girl and they were having a boy (which was right!) and we were so excited to be pregnant together so we wouldn't have to do anything alone. Then in September, we discovered something was very wrong with our daughter and two weeks later, she was gone. The next week, they found out they were having a perfect boy. Understandably, we have drifted apart some because us girls no longer have anything to talk about. I can't talk about pregnancy anymore (you know, since I'm not pregnant) and at first she was reluctant to talk about it because of the obvious elephant in the room. She got over it after about 15 minutes and began to complain about her pregnancy just like I was anyone other than me; anyone who had not recently lost a baby! Anyway, the rest of her pregnancy has been like that--no mention of Raelyn and a swift change of subject if I brought it up, and many, many complaints about the woes of pregnancy. One of my coworkers asked why we still hang out with them and the only answer I could give surprised me. I wanted to be there if something went wrong. I got no support from anyone at church when we lost Raelyn. I was told to put on a face and never let the congregation see me broken. I wanted to be there for her to cry on if something went terribly wrong because I knew that no one else would.

Fast forward to last night. Last night, she went into labor and when I got the call that she was at the hospital, it was all I could do to get off the phone without bursting into tears. I had not imagined that it would affect me this way. These were not happy tears. These were tears of pain over my own loss and what I will never experience, but they were also tears of supplication. I fell on my face before the Lord and wept over her son and pleaded with Him to divert all His attention to her room. I covered them in prayer until the sobs came so hard that I couldn't breathe. I found this song and I sang that prayer mentioned above until I could breathe again and I could see through my tears. I worshipped Him through my weeping and that bridge became my heart's cry. When I could finally sing with a smile on my face before the Lord, I got up and He gave me sufficient grace to go to the hospital to see her. He gave me grace enough to hug his parents who, as pastors, should have comforted me when I was in the birthing suite. He lavished His grace upon me so that I could to to her room and watch her labor effortlessly (with an epidural, of course) without tears. His grace is enough for me to have no tears when I heard the new grandparents excited adorations over the phone when they called to say that their grandson had arrived safely.

So now, the next morning, as my heart begins to beat again and until we get to meet the new baby and it stops once more, my lifesong sings:

All of my life, in every season,
You are still God
And I have a reason to sing.
I have a reason to worship!