Be better

Maybe it’s time.

Maybe I really can’t do this alone.

My dad called this weekend and wanted to take me out to lunch. I went and after an hour of chit-chat, he asked the loaded question; “So… How are you?” What he was really fishing for is whether or not his actions following Raelyn’s death were contributing to my sadness. After spilling a deep, dark, family secret that I wish I didn’t know, he then used that story to justify his actions (never talking about her, not wanting to see her or pictures of her, not acknowledging that he has a biological granddaughter). Next, he proceeded to tell me that I am only 25 and that my life is not over yet. Apparently, I just need to quit trying, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. (Oh, and I also need to go to the gym, work out, and lose some weight so that I will be ready when the time comes. Thanks Dad!) When we were leaving Chili’s, he said “Be better. Relax and do whatever you need to do to be bright and shiny Dana again. Be better.”

Later, my husband tells me he wants us to be happy again. He wants us to be able to have fun and just be happy. I know how to be depressed or pregnant. There is no in between. Unfortunately, I really think my happiness is tied to a baby. I don’t know how to differentiate the two. I started trying to bring home a baby in April 2008. (I know that so many of you have waited even longer than this, and I am sorry for that. I cannot even imagine. I wish we could all have the families of our dreams today.) I don’t know how to move forward. It’s like reliving the same day every day. I wake up not pregnant and all day I am trying to think of ways that I can move in that direction. I am literally stuck. (TMI alert: Apparently AF will not be enticed with candy or progesterone. No clomid until then.) I am running out of time for a 2010 baby, not that that matters all that much, it’s just another failed milestone.

I am seriously considering counseling of some sort, but I am afraid of going to see someone at our church because of our past experiences. I don’t want everyone in the church to know what is going on, nor do I want someone to pat me on the head and tell me to just relax because this is all part of God’s plan to prosper me. I need someone to go to the dark place with me. To force me to remember and help me figure out why I can’t move forward. I need someone that I don’t know, but that I know I can trust. I need someone that I don’t have to see in my everyday life, but I need someone to whom I can relate. Have any of you sought help of any kind? Your words of experience are appreciated.

Maybe it’s time…


Emily said...

Wow. I'm pretty frustrated for you. I don't think you can "be better" until God leads you out of the darkness. You just have to be where you are.

I do hope you can find someone- a counselor, a trusted person at church- to talk to. I have both a professional counselor and a couple (childless) from church that I meet with, and both have said it's a privilege to intercede for me and counsel me. And they have seen me at some very dark moments. And that has been very healing.

Maggie said...

I'm so sorry and I'm so frustrated for you. People think we just need to lock it up somewhere and act like nothing happened and move on. How after such a terrible loss? I'm thinking of you. Maybe you could try another church in the area? Or maybe there are some support groups? I know around me a lot of hospitals offer them. I hope you find some support you need. XO

Whitney said...

Just wanted to let you know that I've been seeing a counselor since July. She's technically a christian counselor working at a christian counseling center, but she never forces me to talk about God. She never pacifies me and she lets me be angry if that's what I need to do. There was a long period when I thought I would never feel better. I know our experiences are different, but I wanted you to know how much it has helped me to see someone. My doctor recommended this counseling group, so maybe you could ask your doctor (if you trust him/her). I highly recommended it. I know I wouldn't be where I am without my counselor!
Sending hugs your way!

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this very difficult time. It definitely sounds like a good idea to talk to someone who you can vent to, a neutral person. We love you and we are praying for you. Maybe a trip to beautiful Arizona would help??