January 26

***Updated to add... I had a good cry and considered deleting the post, but I need to leave it to show myself that the bad days will come and that's okay, I'll get through. If you don't want to read my rant and possibly be very offended, you should stop here.

Today should have been her first birthday.

Lots of toys and dresses, family all around, first taste of cake and pink icing.

I should be finding the perfect dress for the Child Dedication Service next Sunday.

I am really not wallowing everyday, but little things like the dedication announcement throw me for a loop. Grief at 16 months is not what I would have imagined. Most times it is a dull ache and yet in an instant I am pierced through. It isn't so much that she is not here--it's that there is no one here. Raelyn is safe in Heaven's arms and I know that I will see her again, but I cannot fathom that 14 months of nothing-ness have passed. I know that it is unlikely that Raelyn would have made it to her first birthday, but she should have had a younger sibling by now. It could be so much worse. I know so many of you have had miscarriages that compound your loss or have been told that there is no hope for more children. I cannot imagine what you ladies are going through. I only know my personal struggles and for me, (please forgive me for what I am about to say), the nothing-ness is killing me. No answers, no alternatives to the plan. I am seeking help, but they can't even read my chart before speaking with me so that the nurse knows not to sound so cheery when she says "negative". I hate waiting for nothing. I hate planning my life around those never-ending two weeks. I hate that I am so angry at my own circumstances when there are so many other things that could go wrong. I hate that I can't even articulate my own feelings without sounding like a whiny child. I am angry that with all the technology in this world, doctors can't find a way to give us all what we really want. I hate that I can't even talk about my feelings and hunches and what might be going on at any given point because I don't want to get my husband's hopes up. I hate seeing him crushed month after month. I hate that I let my own hopes get up, only to drown again. I hate that relying on God is so hard sometimes.

I know I said in my last post that I was better and that I had some perspective on my own life and mortality, but... living with loss is a daily struggle to find the good, and some days, most days, I fail.


The Blue Sparrow said...

I know what you mean, being frustrated with medical technology not being able to do much for us. Sometimes Im overwhelmed by how hard it is to rely on God's promises too. You're not alone there. I just wanted to let you know that and that Im praying for you. *HUGS*

Whitney said...

I don't think you're failing. You are doing what I have done so many times - just processing. What else can you do but deal with the feelings? I'm so sorry you're struggling with getting pregnant again. I'll be praying for you.

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. I totally understand what you mean when you said how hard it is to rely on God sometimes. I've been struggling with that a lot lately. I'm praying for you and Philip every day.

Ebe said...

I'm sorry, Dana. Praying for comfort for you, my friend.

Rebecca said...

I can't say I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have been feeling a similar 'nothing-ness' lately though. Many days of sadness, where I think, "Eight months have passed. Now what?" Eight months of missing Olivia and I don't know what to do next. I see my long life of missing her stretching out before me and sometimes it just seems too overwhelming. I am sorry for all your anger, confusion, and....nothing-ness. I'm glad you shared though. I know you're not alone.

bir said...

Oh.I.Know. And I know you know I know. I think the length of our journeys are about the same, the nothing-ness, the lack of a sibling, the 'negative' over and over.
Put simply the total unfairness of it all.
love to you x

Rebekah said...

It's ok to have bad days- I know I certain have and voice my share! Especially on milestone dates when there should have been a celebration. Life comes one day at a time. Thank you for the prayers to get me through these days- I'll be praying for you too!

Peace & love to you!

Henninger Family said...

You are right - living with a loss is a daily struggle...some days I don't know if the heartache will ever dull itself.

Praying and thinking of you!