Ramblings of My Heart and Soul

I wanted to let you know about a giveaway that seems promising (and painless so I would probably try it even if it didn't sound promising :-) Kate over at Busted Plumbing is giving away an iPod shuffle with the Circle + Bloom Fertility Relaxation program loaded on it. I had never heard of this but the concept makes some sense. There is a free download that I now have, but I haven't listened to it yet.

I will let you know...

***Updated to add... I had a good cry and considered deleting the post, but I need to leave it to show myself that the bad days will come and that's okay, I'll get through. If you don't want to read my rant and possibly be very offended, you should stop here.



Today should have been her first birthday.

Lots of toys and dresses, family all around, first taste of cake and pink icing.

I should be finding the perfect dress for the Child Dedication Service next Sunday.

I am really not wallowing everyday, but little things like the dedication announcement throw me for a loop. Grief at 16 months is not what I would have imagined. Most times it is a dull ache and yet in an instant I am pierced through. It isn't so much that she is not here--it's that there is no one here. Raelyn is safe in Heaven's arms and I know that I will see her again, but I cannot fathom that 14 months of nothing-ness have passed. I know that it is unlikely that Raelyn would have made it to her first birthday, but she should have had a younger sibling by now. It could be so much worse. I know so many of you have had miscarriages that compound your loss or have been told that there is no hope for more children. I cannot imagine what you ladies are going through. I only know my personal struggles and for me, (please forgive me for what I am about to say), the nothing-ness is killing me. No answers, no alternatives to the plan. I am seeking help, but they can't even read my chart before speaking with me so that the nurse knows not to sound so cheery when she says "negative". I hate waiting for nothing. I hate planning my life around those never-ending two weeks. I hate that I am so angry at my own circumstances when there are so many other things that could go wrong. I hate that I can't even articulate my own feelings without sounding like a whiny child. I am angry that with all the technology in this world, doctors can't find a way to give us all what we really want. I hate that I can't even talk about my feelings and hunches and what might be going on at any given point because I don't want to get my husband's hopes up. I hate seeing him crushed month after month. I hate that I let my own hopes get up, only to drown again. I hate that relying on God is so hard sometimes.

I know I said in my last post that I was better and that I had some perspective on my own life and mortality, but... living with loss is a daily struggle to find the good, and some days, most days, I fail.

I have been feeling really down lately and have not posted because I didn't feel that I had anything new to say--just the same old sad complaints with one more failed month (with meds) to add to the list.

However, I found out this morning that a friend of mine was diagnosed with stage 3 invasive breast cancer. She is 25 years old (my age) and is in pharmacy school and planning her wedding for the end of the year.

I have no words. I cannot imagine. It's just not fair.

For all my complaining, I am still healthy and I have been blessed so far beyond what I deserve. I am going to try to be a more positive person and live life rather than just get through.

Please send up a prayer for my friend if you can.

I made it until the blessing before the meal (which only amounted to fifteen minutes) before I burst into tears. I cried silently through the prayer and dried my eyes enough to seem presentable through the mad rush to the dinner table while I was ducking into the back bedroom. My husband came and found me after a few minutes, but I told him to go away or I would cry harder. I got it together enough to make it through the rest of Christmas Eve dinner.

That should have been MY daughter that my dad held during the prayer. There should have been an eleven month old toddling around with the other kids. I should have filled my memory card with pictures of my own child, not someone elses kids.

I miss you, Raelyn, and I love you more than you will ever know.

I am not okay.

I will go and I will smile and I will pretend, but I am not okay.

I keep thinking about all of the things that should have been. This should have been our first Christmas and instead, it is our second Christmas without her.

I honestly do not remember last Christmas. I don't remember what we gave or what we got. I don't remember who was where, what order we did things in, what we had for lunch. I remember crying as Maddy (my then 1 yr old step-niece) sat in my Dad's lap while her older brother opened presents. I remember thinking that Dad would never get to hold Raelyn like that. He didn't want to see her when she was born so he didn't get to hold her then either.

I told my step-mom at Thanksgiving that I would have to get her the pictures that I took from last Christmas and when I went to look at them, I realized that they were from 2 Christmases ago. I don't think I took any last Christmas even though I always take pictures.

My heart is so heavy with missing Raelyn that I didn't think there would be room for any more sadness, and yet... there is. Last year, I bought Christmas gifts for the grandparents that were baby-themed. Yes, I know Raelyn died in September and no, the gifts hadn't already been purchased. I bought them in November knowing that I would be pregnant again by last Christmas. Raelyn was conceived in the very first month of trying, so I just knew that I would be able to give these baby-themed gifts at Christmas.

Christmas came and went and they turned into Valentine's Day gifts, then St. Patrick's Day gifts, then Easter gifts, then Mother's Day gifts, then Father's Day gifts, then Independence Day gifts, then Labor Day gifts, then Halloween gifts, then Thanksgiving gifts, and finally Christmas gifts again. Now four days before Christmas #2, I am already removing them from their Christmas bags and digging out the bags with the hearts and cupids on them.

How long can you wait? How much money was wasted on birth control for the first 5 years of my marriage? How long can you keep moving forward without falling? The thought of potentially facing an unfavorable diagnosis again petrifies me, but somehow, I am more scared at the thought of never facing any diagnosis, healthy or otherwise. I am terrified that I have missed my chance for motherhood, that I already had my shot, that Raelyn was the only daughter we will ever have, and I let her go home without a fight. How long is long enough? I'm not ready to give up on the dream yet, but I am tired of the struggle and the strain on our marriage. I asked my husband what he wanted for Christmas and his only response was, "a baby". How long will my body continue to fail us?

Sorry for my ramblings--they just run through my heart constantly. The tears come more easily now than 6 months ago--as I pass Santa in the mall, as we prepare for our vacation-just the two of us, when I hear Steven Curtis Chapman's new song (Heaven is the Face). That last verse gets me every time... "Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss and a thousand other little things I miss with her gone... Heaven is the face of a little girl..."

I may never know how much I have missed, and that breaks my heart all over again.

I'll smile and laugh and I'll swear I that I am, but I'm lying.

I'm not okay.

Raelyn,

I cannot believe that two Christmases have come and almost gone since you went home. Even though we are not putting up the tree and your ornaments this year, you will still be a part of our Christmas. I try to imagine what life would look like if everything had been different. All kinds of Christmas decorations in my clean house. Its not clean now because my 10 month old reason to keep it clean it is gone. We would dress you in Baby's First Christmas clothes and pass you around the dinner table with the rolls. I feel like I am slipping backwards and I pray that you don't take the time to watch your mama cry, but I need you to know how much I love you. I need you to know that you haven't been forgotten. Even though I don't have a place to visit you or a way to talk to you, I pray that Jesus whispers of my love into your ear every day.

I love you my daughter,
Mama

I work at the hospital where I delivered Raelyn and I frequently have to go into the Labor and Delivery unit to deliver medications. Every time I have been in there in the past year, 'my' room has been open and empty... until last week. I walked into the unit and mustered up the courage as I always do to peek at the room where I last held her and instead of the open room with the dimmed lights, I was confronted with that terrible little picture of a leaf with a teardrop. That same picture that caused my family to burst into tears before even entering my room. That same picture that caused friends to turn and leave before ever knocking. That little purple and green post card signifying that yet another set of parents will be leaving with empty arms and broken hearts.



Something snapped inside my head and I saw red. In that instant I became so angry that someone else lost a child. I cannot understand (and at the same time, somewhere deep inside, I know that I am not meant to). I have had so many (well-meaning) people tell me not to be angry with God that Raelyn is not here with me or that I am to be content in all things and consider it all joy. I'm sorry but how can I possibly worship the God of the Universe and call Him Almighty if He can't handle my anger? He created that emotion within me along with jealousy and intense grief and all of the other things that 'good Christians' aren't supposed to feel. I refuse to give credit for the creation of those emotions to satan. How can I put my trust in Him to work all things together for my good if He is small enough that He gets hurt and turns His back on me when I exhibit anger and sadness? I believe that He is bigger than that.



I know it pains Him to see me angry and broken, but He loves me unconditionally. I have not turned my back on God, nor have I removed my trust in Him, but I know that my lapses into anger are covered by the blood of Christ and even though I daily fall short, I am still a child of the Most High God. He wants to hear my worship and my rants, my love and my anger, because all of those emotions are born out of a deep passion for life and those are the qualities that He placed within me before I was born. As long as I bring it to Him, he has promised to help me bear the load.



"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~~Matthew 11:28-30