Ramblings of My Heart and Soul

Things that make you go hmmm...

2010-10-22T21:06:00.010-05:00

I borrowed this entire post from Waiting for Our Miracle. She has managed to capture all of the feelings that I am incapable of expressing...

What People Would NEVER Say...

So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you’ll be able to walk again!

2. You can’t use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn’t mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don’t cover treatment for paraplegia, because it’s not a life-threatening illness.

7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk – everywhere I go!

9. But don’t you *want* to walk?

10. You’re just trying too hard. Relax and you’ll be able to walk.

11. You’re so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don’t know why you’re being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don’t try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking… doesn’t that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you’ll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I’d have a permanent limp, but I’m 100% healed.

18. I’d ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You’re being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don’t complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don’t know how to walk? What’s wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you’ll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you’ll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn’t find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…

So here’s a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she’s trying to get pregnant and it’s taking longer than expected, DON’T tell her to just relax. Don’t tell her to adopt and then surely she’ll get pregnant with her own child. Don’t tell her that God has a plan for her. Don’t say, “At least it’s fun trying!” Scheduling sex with the person you love isn’t fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn’t fun. Finding out every single month that – yet again – it didn’t work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you’re sorry she’s going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you’re glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don’t bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you’re there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON’T feel that because she told you that it’s okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever--unless she tells you that it’s okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity. The last thing your friend needs is to be at someone’s garage sale and get unsolicited advice from said secretary’s sister’s cousin’s dogwalker’s barista about how she and her husband just need to get really drunk one night and jump in the back seat of the car. Because she’s probably already tried that, too.

A Hope Deferred...

2010-09-14T20:43:00.002-05:00

No news is not always good news. I have made no progress with my plan. In fact, my body has totally foiled the plan and left me with nothing.

It has been two years today since the last time I was truly happy. Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of the day our world crashed down around us in a whirlwind that has not stopped spinning. I have lost more friends than I knew I had. I have no direction, no drive, no hope. I am surrounded by people who don't understand. Heck, even I don't understand most of the time. I am angry for no reason and at people who don't know any better. The lady at work who is pregnant with #3 and complaining already at only 6 weeks doesn't know any better. The 26 yr old in the hospital willingly dying of diabetic noncompliance who will leave behind two young children doesn't know any better. The sister-in-law who I cannot speak to doesn't know any better. I guess I should say they don't know any worse. This is how it is supposed to be. This is life.

If that is life, then why is mine unraveling at the seams? Why do I have a disease that prevents me from getting pregnant? Why does my 26yr old husband have an auto-immune disease that he will have to live with forever? Why has that disease already begun destroying his liver? Why are we so far in debt when we own virtually nothing of value? Why is there bad news around every turn? How do I continue to trust when it seems no one is listening?

I Have a Plan...

2010-07-02T06:11:00.002-05:00

... but that's all I have.

No wondrous news here. I know most of the time when someone goes completely silent for weeks on end, they come back on with a smile and a tiny announcement. However, my big news is not so exciting.

I officially have PCOS. On ultrasound, my ovaries looked like they were winning a game of chubby bunny and labwork shows no ovulation this month. That's actually nice to have some validation that I'm not just peeing on the wrong end of the stick. In three days, I have had my initial appointment--first time ever meeting my new RE, labwork, ultrasound, two hour glucose test, two prescriptions, AND I already have all lab results back and I didn't even have to call for them! I have never had a doctor that was this proactive. She offered genetic testing for both of us as well just to be sure that we don't have a tendency toward a chromosomal abnormality. We also have a tentative plan for July and a follow-up appointment in exactly a month where we will actually decide how to proceed.

All of that makes me feel a little better; however, even with my suspicions that I might have PCOS based on Dr. Google and my own symptoms, it still hurts knowing that my body is responsible for all of this infertility heartache. It has given us a tiny smidgen of hope to see that the RE is encouraging and seems comfortable with treating us. It is nice to follow someone who is confident.

It is the worst possible timing though. My husband has been sick for six weeks with an unknown illness that causes around-the-clock abdominal pain and other not-so-fun symptoms. We can't get him in to see the doctors fast enough. He is also having to close down his business so he will be without a job. He has not been getting paid regularly for the last 9 months so I don't think it will be a huge change for us financially, but he is very concerned about what he will do now. He has always worked in jewelry and there are no other jewelry stores in town that are faring any better than he is, so he will have to find something completely new.

So, we will continue to do what we have been doing and put one foot in front of the other.

I don't think I can handle much more than that.

Knowledge is Power

2010-05-07T11:13:00.004-05:00

I honored her today.

I have enacted a change that, while it will never bring her back, might help to ensure that no one I work with will have to go through what I have been through.

I discovered yesterday through a long series of events that I have unwittingly been exposed to numerous antineoplastic agents and chemotherapy drugs throughout my two years in my current position. The major side effects of these types of drugs are fetal abnormalities and infertility and increased rates of both have been reported in nurses and pharmacists who handle these drugs.

I used to rest in the fact that nothing I did or could have done changed my daughter's chromosomes. Now I know that is not the case. Now I will forever have to wonder.

I never knew that touching the outside of the sealed vial or box could expose me to harmful chemicals. However, now that I know, I am changing the way our pharmacy receives these types of drugs so that no one else will be exposed.

It's all because of her.
If she hadn't been, I would never have known.
If she hadn't been, this policy wouldn't have been changed.

If she hadn't been, I wouldn't have been changed.

Be better

2010-03-10T10:48:00.002-06:00

Maybe it’s time.

Maybe I really can’t do this alone.

My dad called this weekend and wanted to take me out to lunch. I went and after an hour of chit-chat, he asked the loaded question; “So… How are you?” What he was really fishing for is whether or not his actions following Raelyn’s death were contributing to my sadness. After spilling a deep, dark, family secret that I wish I didn’t know, he then used that story to justify his actions (never talking about her, not wanting to see her or pictures of her, not acknowledging that he has a biological granddaughter). Next, he proceeded to tell me that I am only 25 and that my life is not over yet. Apparently, I just need to quit trying, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. (Oh, and I also need to go to the gym, work out, and lose some weight so that I will be ready when the time comes. Thanks Dad!) When we were leaving Chili’s, he said “Be better. Relax and do whatever you need to do to be bright and shiny Dana again. Be better.”

Later, my husband tells me he wants us to be happy again. He wants us to be able to have fun and just be happy. I know how to be depressed or pregnant. There is no in between. Unfortunately, I really think my happiness is tied to a baby. I don’t know how to differentiate the two. I started trying to bring home a baby in April 2008. (I know that so many of you have waited even longer than this, and I am sorry for that. I cannot even imagine. I wish we could all have the families of our dreams today.) I don’t know how to move forward. It’s like reliving the same day every day. I wake up not pregnant and all day I am trying to think of ways that I can move in that direction. I am literally stuck. (TMI alert: Apparently AF will not be enticed with candy or progesterone. No clomid until then.) I am running out of time for a 2010 baby, not that that matters all that much, it’s just another failed milestone.

I am seriously considering counseling of some sort, but I am afraid of going to see someone at our church because of our past experiences. I don’t want everyone in the church to know what is going on, nor do I want someone to pat me on the head and tell me to just relax because this is all part of God’s plan to prosper me. I need someone to go to the dark place with me. To force me to remember and help me figure out why I can’t move forward. I need someone that I don’t know, but that I know I can trust. I need someone that I don’t have to see in my everyday life, but I need someone to whom I can relate. Have any of you sought help of any kind? Your words of experience are appreciated.

Maybe it’s time…

Are you freaking kidding me?!?

2010-02-18T16:46:00.002-06:00

Really??

And I'm doing everything right??

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/incredible-sperm-survived-oral-sex-knife-fight-impregnated/story?id=9732562

Hmmm...

2010-02-12T08:12:00.002-06:00

Paraphrased quote from last night's Private Practice episode:

Depression isn't not knowing that you have something to live for. It is knowing that you should feel different, but you don't.

Hmmm... Yup.

For those of you who are TTC...

2010-02-03T22:51:00.003-06:00

I wanted to let you know about a giveaway that seems promising (and painless so I would probably try it even if it didn't sound promising :-) Kate over at Busted Plumbing is giving away an iPod shuffle with the Circle + Bloom Fertility Relaxation program loaded on it. I had never heard of this but the concept makes some sense. There is a free download that I now have, but I haven't listened to it yet.

I will let you know...

January 26

2010-01-26T20:37:00.002-06:00

***Updated to add... I had a good cry and considered deleting the post, but I need to leave it to show myself that the bad days will come and that's okay, I'll get through. If you don't want to read my rant and possibly be very offended, you should stop here.

Today should have been her first birthday.

Lots of toys and dresses, family all around, first taste of cake and pink icing.

I should be finding the perfect dress for the Child Dedication Service next Sunday.

I am really not wallowing everyday, but little things like the dedication announcement throw me for a loop. Grief at 16 months is not what I would have imagined. Most times it is a dull ache and yet in an instant I am pierced through. It isn't so much that she is not here--it's that there is no one here. Raelyn is safe in Heaven's arms and I know that I will see her again, but I cannot fathom that 14 months of nothing-ness have passed. I know that it is unlikely that Raelyn would have made it to her first birthday, but she should have had a younger sibling by now. It could be so much worse. I know so many of you have had miscarriages that compound your loss or have been told that there is no hope for more children. I cannot imagine what you ladies are going through. I only know my personal struggles and for me, (please forgive me for what I am about to say), the nothing-ness is killing me. No answers, no alternatives to the plan. I am seeking help, but they can't even read my chart before speaking with me so that the nurse knows not to sound so cheery when she says "negative". I hate waiting for nothing. I hate planning my life around those never-ending two weeks. I hate that I am so angry at my own circumstances when there are so many other things that could go wrong. I hate that I can't even articulate my own feelings without sounding like a whiny child. I am angry that with all the technology in this world, doctors can't find a way to give us all what we really want. I hate that I can't even talk about my feelings and hunches and what might be going on at any given point because I don't want to get my husband's hopes up. I hate seeing him crushed month after month. I hate that I let my own hopes get up, only to drown again. I hate that relying on God is so hard sometimes.

I know I said in my last post that I was better and that I had some perspective on my own life and mortality, but... living with loss is a daily struggle to find the good, and some days, most days, I fail.

Perspective

2010-01-22T07:47:00.002-06:00

I have been feeling really down lately and have not posted because I didn't feel that I had anything new to say--just the same old sad complaints with one more failed month (with meds) to add to the list.

However, I found out this morning that a friend of mine was diagnosed with stage 3 invasive breast cancer. She is 25 years old (my age) and is in pharmacy school and planning her wedding for the end of the year.

I have no words. I cannot imagine. It's just not fair.

For all my complaining, I am still healthy and I have been blessed so far beyond what I deserve. I am going to try to be a more positive person and live life rather than just get through.

Please send up a prayer for my friend if you can.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-26T13:03:00.002-06:00

I made it until the blessing before the meal (which only amounted to fifteen minutes) before I burst into tears. I cried silently through the prayer and dried my eyes enough to seem presentable through the mad rush to the dinner table while I was ducking into the back bedroom. My husband came and found me after a few minutes, but I told him to go away or I would cry harder. I got it together enough to make it through the rest of Christmas Eve dinner.

That should have been MY daughter that my dad held during the prayer. There should have been an eleven month old toddling around with the other kids. I should have filled my memory card with pictures of my own child, not someone elses kids.

I miss you, Raelyn, and I love you more than you will ever know.

Okay

2009-12-21T09:02:00.002-06:00

I am not okay.

I will go and I will smile and I will pretend, but I am not okay.

I keep thinking about all of the things that should have been. This should have been our first Christmas and instead, it is our second Christmas without her.

I honestly do not remember last Christmas. I don't remember what we gave or what we got. I don't remember who was where, what order we did things in, what we had for lunch. I remember crying as Maddy (my then 1 yr old step-niece) sat in my Dad's lap while her older brother opened presents. I remember thinking that Dad would never get to hold Raelyn like that. He didn't want to see her when she was born so he didn't get to hold her then either.

I told my step-mom at Thanksgiving that I would have to get her the pictures that I took from last Christmas and when I went to look at them, I realized that they were from 2 Christmases ago. I don't think I took any last Christmas even though I always take pictures.

My heart is so heavy with missing Raelyn that I didn't think there would be room for any more sadness, and yet... there is. Last year, I bought Christmas gifts for the grandparents that were baby-themed. Yes, I know Raelyn died in September and no, the gifts hadn't already been purchased. I bought them in November knowing that I would be pregnant again by last Christmas. Raelyn was conceived in the very first month of trying, so I just knew that I would be able to give these baby-themed gifts at Christmas.

Christmas came and went and they turned into Valentine's Day gifts, then St. Patrick's Day gifts, then Easter gifts, then Mother's Day gifts, then Father's Day gifts, then Independence Day gifts, then Labor Day gifts, then Halloween gifts, then Thanksgiving gifts, and finally Christmas gifts again. Now four days before Christmas #2, I am already removing them from their Christmas bags and digging out the bags with the hearts and cupids on them.

How long can you wait? How much money was wasted on birth control for the first 5 years of my marriage? How long can you keep moving forward without falling? The thought of potentially facing an unfavorable diagnosis again petrifies me, but somehow, I am more scared at the thought of never facing any diagnosis, healthy or otherwise. I am terrified that I have missed my chance for motherhood, that I already had my shot, that Raelyn was the only daughter we will ever have, and I let her go home without a fight. How long is long enough? I'm not ready to give up on the dream yet, but I am tired of the struggle and the strain on our marriage. I asked my husband what he wanted for Christmas and his only response was, "a baby". How long will my body continue to fail us?

Sorry for my ramblings--they just run through my heart constantly. The tears come more easily now than 6 months ago--as I pass Santa in the mall, as we prepare for our vacation-just the two of us, when I hear Steven Curtis Chapman's new song (Heaven is the Face). That last verse gets me every time... "Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss and a thousand other little things I miss with her gone... Heaven is the face of a little girl..."

I may never know how much I have missed, and that breaks my heart all over again.

I'll smile and laugh and I'll swear I that I am, but I'm lying.

I'm not okay.

Two Christmases

2009-12-14T05:28:00.002-06:00

Raelyn,

I cannot believe that two Christmases have come and almost gone since you went home. Even though we are not putting up the tree and your ornaments this year, you will still be a part of our Christmas. I try to imagine what life would look like if everything had been different. All kinds of Christmas decorations in my clean house. Its not clean now because my 10 month old reason to keep it clean it is gone. We would dress you in Baby's First Christmas clothes and pass you around the dinner table with the rolls. I feel like I am slipping backwards and I pray that you don't take the time to watch your mama cry, but I need you to know how much I love you. I need you to know that you haven't been forgotten. Even though I don't have a place to visit you or a way to talk to you, I pray that Jesus whispers of my love into your ear every day.

I love you my daughter,
Mama

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always,

And as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

Anger

2009-11-16T06:10:00.004-06:00

I work at the hospital where I delivered Raelyn and I frequently have to go into the Labor and Delivery unit to deliver medications. Every time I have been in there in the past year, 'my' room has been open and empty... until last week. I walked into the unit and mustered up the courage as I always do to peek at the room where I last held her and instead of the open room with the dimmed lights, I was confronted with that terrible little picture of a leaf with a teardrop. That same picture that caused my family to burst into tears before even entering my room. That same picture that caused friends to turn and leave before ever knocking. That little purple and green post card signifying that yet another set of parents will be leaving with empty arms and broken hearts.

Something snapped inside my head and I saw red. In that instant I became so angry that someone else lost a child. I cannot understand (and at the same time, somewhere deep inside, I know that I am not meant to). I have had so many (well-meaning) people tell me not to be angry with God that Raelyn is not here with me or that I am to be content in all things and consider it all joy. I'm sorry but how can I possibly worship the God of the Universe and call Him Almighty if He can't handle my anger? He created that emotion within me along with jealousy and intense grief and all of the other things that 'good Christians' aren't supposed to feel. I refuse to give credit for the creation of those emotions to satan. How can I put my trust in Him to work all things together for my good if He is small enough that He gets hurt and turns His back on me when I exhibit anger and sadness? I believe that He is bigger than that.

I know it pains Him to see me angry and broken, but He loves me unconditionally. I have not turned my back on God, nor have I removed my trust in Him, but I know that my lapses into anger are covered by the blood of Christ and even though I daily fall short, I am still a child of the Most High God. He wants to hear my worship and my rants, my love and my anger, because all of those emotions are born out of a deep passion for life and those are the qualities that He placed within me before I was born. As long as I bring it to Him, he has promised to help me bear the load.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~~Matthew 11:28-30

Happy Birthday

2009-11-11T06:22:00.002-06:00

That's right... two posts in a row entitled 'Happy Birthday'.

One for my daughter and now one for me.

I got up this morning and just stared into the mirror in disbelief. Who is that 25 year old who is blankly gazing back at me? There are parts of her that seem to jog my memory, but I just don't recognize her fully. That red hair is unmistakeably familiar, but it has grown so long over the last year. The eyes hold some recollection, but between the dark rings underneath and the overwhelming sadness they hold, I can't quite place them either. She is much pudgier around the middle than she used to be. Suddenly, she smiles and I search her face desperately to see some left over remnant, but the forced grin seems so painful that whatever memory I had of her during happier days disappeared and was replaced by deep sorrow.

I look closer and I see the contrived smile of a people-pleaser who never wants to let on that she is still broken because she doesn't want the people she loves to stop and try to fix her after they have all moved on. I see that her hair and her waistline have grown because the arduous task of simply trying to live her everyday life has preempted basic things like haircuts and workouts. I see in her eyes not just the past 25 years that have been lived, but also the future life that she has lived in her mind a million times over--the one that includes her daughter's first steps, prom hairdos, and wedding dresses. I see in her eyes the hopelessness that comes with secondary infertility and the sheer terror that her future will never hold any of those things.

I see all these things in the mirror and am powerless to do anything about it.

Happy Birthday Girl in the Mirror.
Maybe in your 26th year you'll get it right.

Happy Birthday

2009-09-29T08:01:00.002-05:00

Sweetheart,

Happy 1st Birthday! I can only hope that you know how much your Daddy and I love you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and what you might be doing now. Eat a big piece of chocolate cake today and be sure to make a mess!

I love you so much,
Mama

Frozen in Time

2009-09-15T14:42:00.002-05:00

A year ago today, the world stopped turning.

My first (and last) ultrasound.

Suddenly I am "incompatible with life."

Dreams were shattered as a tornado ripped through my heart.

I have no idea where October has gone.

Oh yeah... I forgot that it was a year ago, not just a few days.

I have no idea where the last year has gone.

I still talk to people like September 2008 was only a few weeks ago.

Because it is for me.

The fog that I live in blurs time and space.

No one knows that the world has stopped, frozen in time.

The worst part... today is my Husband's birthday.

How do I make this up to him... ever?

Lyrics

2009-08-27T06:43:00.007-05:00

Sometimes I hear a song that pierces my heart and causes me to stop what I'm doing and just listen in silent agreement...

You're Not Shaken~~Phil Stacey

I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning
Will I ever, rise to breathe again

I wanna know why
I just wanna understand
Will I ever know why?
How could this be from Your hand?

When every little thing that I had dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hands
And when it seems the walls of my belief come crashing down
Like they’re all made of sand
I won’t, let go of You now
because I know, oh,
You’re not shaken

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers
Still grip me while I’m here

And I may never know why
Oh I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes,
and trust this is Your plan

When I am in the valley of the shadow of death
You’re not shaken You’re not shaken
You're right here beside me and you will never leave

And sometimes a song reaches down into the deepest, hidden part of my personal darkness and becomes a tiny, flickering flame of hope...

Unredeemed~~Selah

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years
Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Heartwarming

2009-08-21T06:32:00.003-05:00

My husband and I joined the choir at our new church a couple of weeks ago. We arrived early to the first practice and there was only one other lady in the room. As I helped her unload her snacks for the evening, she started a conversation which included "the question" about children. She asked "Do you have any kids?" and I responded, "Not at home with us." not really wanting to get so personal with an almost complete stranger. She looked at me funny and asked what that meant and I explained that we had our first daughter in September but that she died the day she was born. Her next question floored me... "What is her name?" No one I have ever told about Raelyn ever thought to ask her name. She told me that she liked the name and then others started coming in and the subject was changed.

Fast forward two weeks to this past Wednesday night. The whole choir is seated and getting ready for rehearsal. This same lady is seated next to me and she turns and asks, "So what day in September is your Raelyn's birthday?" I told her and when she repeated it aloud the woman sitting on the other side of her said "That's my birthday!" The one who was talking to me turned to her and said "Her daughter's birthday is that day." The second woman leaned around her and asked me how old she was going to be and the first woman intercepted the question, saying "Her baby lives in Heaven. She was here for one day." The second woman looked at me with chagrin, mumbling her apologies and I tried to smooth it over by saying something like "She shared her birthday with someone great and I didn't even know it!" Then rehearsal started.

I couldn't believe a) she remembered everything I told her about Raelyn in that initial two minute conversation and b) she had the courage to bring it up again. She has not mentioned a loss of her own, but I think that for her to internalize that information and know how much it matters to me, she has to have been deeply affected by a loss. I cried that night when I got home because it touched my heart that just when I was feeling alone, she came along and was able to tear down the wall with a single question... "What is her name?"

Things I needed to hear today...

2009-08-18T08:21:00.003-05:00

Things I needed to hear today...

Excerpt from EPSN article on Tony Dungy entitled “Amazing Grace”

“In the early-morning hours of Dec. 22, 2005, Tony and Lauren Dungy lived a parent's worst nightmare when they learned their eldest son and second of five children, 18-year-old James, had been found dead in his suburban Tampa, Fla., apartment. In February, James' death was ruled a suicide.”

Quotes of Tony Dungy from various interviews and speeches concerning the death of his son:

“Why do bad things happen? I don’t know. Why did [James] die? I don’t know. But I do know that God has the answers, I know he loves me, and I know he has a plan – whether it makes sense to me or not. Rather than asking why, I’m asking what. What can I learn from this? What can I do for God’s glory and to help others?”

“The Lord has a plan. We always think the plans are A, B, C and D, and everything is going to be perfect for us and it may not be that way, but it's still his plan. A lot of tremendous things are going to happen, it just may not be the way you see them. You may not win the Super Bowl. Your kids may not go on to be doctors and lawyers and everything may not go perfectly. That doesn't mean it was a bad plan or the wrong thing. It's just like a football season. Everything's not going to go perfect. You're going to have some losses that you're going to have to bounce back from and some things that are a little unforeseen that you're going to have to deal with. It's how you work your way through things.”

“If God had talked to me before James’ death and said his death would have helped all these people, it would have saved them and healed their sins, but I would have to take your son, I would have said no, I can’t do that. But God had the same choice 2,000 years ago with His Son, Jesus Christ, and it paved the way for you and me to have eternal life. That’s the benefit I got, that’s the benefit James got and that’s the benefit you can get if you accept Jesus into your heart today as your Savior.”

I am trying to be more postive in my outlook on life. I am trying to not be so negative in my thoughts, actions, and words. In turn, this leaves me with not much to say.

Psalm 39:2-5

2 But when I was silent and still,

not even saying anything good, my anguish increased.
3 My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned;

then I spoke with my tongue:
4 "Show me, O LORD, my life's end and the number of my days;

let me know how fleeting is my life.
5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth;

the span of my years is as nothing before you.

Each man's life is but a breath.

Selah

Psalm 43:2-5

2 You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?
3 Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell.
4 Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God.
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Rhetorical Questions I Could Never Ask Aloud

2009-08-08T07:30:00.004-05:00

I haven't had much to say here lately.

Some days I feel like my knee is raised, foot poised to plant down that next step toward something else, and then suddenly I am flat on my back again.

Yesterday, as I showed my worn out shoe to my coworker, I said "I just got these before Christmas!" To which she replied, "Honey, Christmas was over eight months ago! You said that like it was just yesterday!" It was all I could do to blush profusely, avert my eyes, and mumble some incoherent response before walking away. How has it been eight months since Christmas? How am I just over a month away from starting "a year ago's"? What has happened to my life?

Flat on my back again.

The day before that, I hear that my brother-in-law is "for sure" going to enter into marriage again. The problem is that my spirit is so disturbed by her that I cannot look either of them in the eye. I hear things about grandbabies and first grandbaby and how excited everyone is for them and how we better get pregnant soon so that they don't have the oldest grandchild. I was pregnant and carried the first grandbaby. Raelyn made us grandparents and uncles and parents. The oldest grandchild will live her life in Heaven, praising Jesus every day.

Flat on my back again.

Last night, my husband asks me "Have you ever felt like you were supposed to do something great? I feel like I'm on the edge of doing something great, I just don't know what." The only time I have ever felt like that was the day I found out I was pregnant and somehow I even failed my "something great." He told me about three months ago that he had moved on, but this made it real for me. Am I wallowing? Now I really am the only one who is still bleeding. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? We have joined a new church, started in the choir/praise team, started coming out of the darkness and suddenly all I want to do is retreat to the fetal position.

Flat on my back again.

I have read all about the stages of grief. I have read more blogs than I can remember about mamas at all different points on the timeline of grief and very few of them truly resonate with me anymore. Most everyone seems to have moved on, whether in the form of a ministry, new job, or rainbow baby. I am stuck. Left behind. Even in real life, I haven't talked to my friend who was pregnant with me or seen her baby since he came home from the hospital 6 months ago. She doesn't return my e-mails. She has moved on. My other friend who suffered through an ectopic pregnancy early in her marriage and was so supportive in the early days after my own loss also has not returned my e-mails. We used to get together once or twice a month with our families and I would get to play with her baby girl (who is now 15 months old). I'm sure they got tired of talking about "it" or were uncomfortable with my excessive staring and marvelling at their healthy beautiful daughter. They have moved on. My mom wants to have a garage sale and get rid of most of the baby stuff that we bought last year in preparation for Raelyn so that she will have more room at her house. I have offered to bring it all to my house so it won't be in her way, but she thinks her idea is a better option. She has moved on.

How do I reclaim some small part of my life?
Shouldn't I be better by now (not completely healed, but at least a little better)?
Would a rainbow baby truly make me smile again?
How do I reconcile my life and my faith?
Everybody's doin' it--How do I move on?

Just a small rant...

2009-07-29T08:44:00.005-05:00

When birthdays or anniversaries pass, it is good to not feel like another (insert preferred period of time here) has gone by. No one wants to feel like another year has passed. No one expects to feel any different from yesterday to today's special event.

I, however, am waiting for that anniversary when I can truly say that I feel different than I did yesterday. Today, it has been ten months since I last saw my daughter and I don't feel any different than I did yesterday... or six months ago for that matter. This gaping hole in my heart seems to have teeth some days and the emptiness gnaws on my spirit. She has been gone for twice as long as she was here. She has been gone long enough for me to have given her a sibling (and Heaven knows we've been trying to do so).

I like to fix things. I like to have a solution to a problem. I like to be able to make a difference. I can't fix this. I can only keep putting one foot in front of the other. We can only keep trying, keep praying, keep hoping, keep walking...

Walking With You

2009-07-23T06:43:00.005-05:00

Walking With You--The Sea of Grief

I don't even know where to begin this post. My grief started the day we found out that we might not get to keep her, two weeks before Raelyn went home. I first grieved for the loss of the dreams. I didn't know whether the nursery would be pink or blue. I didn't know whether I would be trick-or-treating with a superhero or a princess. I didn't know whether we would be buying a gown or renting a tux for senior prom. I am a planner--any interaction I have has been meticulously planned out in my head (complete with expected responses) before it comes out of my mouth. To find out in the same breath that you are having a daughter AND that she will not live is absolutely horrifying. This is not what I had planned. Those first days were about the intangibles. It wasn't that she wasn't real to me--I was the only one she was real to--but I had never felt a kick or real movement before. I had talked to her but I was just talking to my belly. It took a few days for it all to hit me and it wasn't until she was born that I was truly consumed.

I naively thought that since I knew that she would be going to Heaven to live happy and healed that it wouldn't hurt so badly. I thought that since I knew she was going to be gone, the actual death wouldn't affect me that much. I thought I had already cried all my tears. It was like watching an instructional video of a surgery and subsequent recovery. All of the action, all of the suspense, all of the blood, all of the technicalities and skill, all of the pain, all of the rehab, and then finally a few weeks later the guy on the table is walking and smiling again. There were very clear definitions of what I was going to experience, what I was going to do, and how long it was all going to take. However, when I got in there to perform my first surgery nothing happened like that video told me it would. Turns out I was not the surgeon, I was the guy on the table and I'm pretty sure the surgeon used a rusty hacksaw instead of a scalpel.

I found out very quickly after I got home from the hospital that I couldn't stay at home with my own thoughts bouncing around in my head. I went back to work two days after I was discharged and then I considered myself lucky that my desk faces a wall because I could sit there and cry and no one would know. A few people expressed sympathy, a few said nothing, and a few gave me harsh looks. (I work in the pharmacy in the same hospital where I delivered Raelyn and every time I received medication, the people in my department knew about it.) It was there at work that I discovered this world, that I was not alone in this grief. One day the following week, I looked up and realized that life had moved on without me and there was no way I was ever going to catch up. We had no memorial service because at the time, we thought that it would only cause more pain and prolong the process of grief. Little did we know...

I felt forsaken by God and then slowly I began to belive that it was my fault that I was forsaken. There are so many things that I have done and not done, said and not said and I felt like I had hit my quota of forgiveness. I had used it all up. I struggled with guilt and regrets on top of the grief. There were a few people in my life who cried with me--my husband, someone who has been there, someone who has no children by choice but who has the tenderest heart--but there were so many others who I thought would be there for me but were conspicuously absent. Pillars of leadership in my church who had lead public battles through infertility and miscarriage said nothing to me--not even a word of sympathy. My husband and I were very involved in the Praise and Worship team and our worship pastor told us during that first week, "Never let the congregation see you broken." Looking back, I realize that I should have just stepped down, but I came and I was there every service trying in vain to lead people to worship the God that I felt had left me in the pit. I cried through every service--sometimes with the tears rolling down my face, sometimes locked away in the depths of my soul--but I cried, and no one said a word.

This only added to my grief and confusion because now not only was I living (barely) through the loss of my only child and the destruction of the dreams I had for our future, but I was also trying to deal with my own salvation and faith with absolutely no support from the ones who should have been lifting me up. I know now that there was a bigger issue (an abuse of trust) behind the silence and I have forgiven those to whom I felt so much anger, but I don't think I can face them again without asking why. I cannot fathom how anyone who has walked this road can remain silent when another couple, one so close that they can touch them, is thrown into this valley.

For a very long time, I struggled alone under the weight of anger and bitterness and the sheer exhaustion of pretending that I was okay. I am only now beginning to release some of it and it surprises people when I mention Raelyn or my pregnancy. I am starting to bring her out of the deep place in my heart where I had hidden her away for safekeeping and integrate her back into my everyday life. The God of Grace still waits for me as I claw my way back to the surface and I have learned that He can handle my anger. He can handle any bitterness I can fling at Him. He gave me the ability to experience a full range of emotions and for me to fully trust in Him, I have to believe that He can handle the worst of them along with the best. I have to believe that He would rather have me honest than not at all.

Psalm 22
A psalm of David.
1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?
2 O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent.
3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel.
4 In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them.
5 They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed.
6 But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by men and despised by the people.
7 All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads:
8 "He trusts in the LORD; let the LORD rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him."
9 Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast.
10 From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God.
11 Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help.
12 Many bulls surround me; strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
13 Roaring lions tearing their prey open their mouths wide against me.
14 I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint. My heart has turned to wax; it has melted away within me.
15 My strength is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth; you lay me in the dust of death.
16 Dogs have surrounded me; a band of evil men has encircled me, they have pierced my hands and my feet.
17 I can count all my bones; people stare and gloat over me.
18 They divide my garments among them and cast lots for my clothing.
19 But you, O LORD, be not far off; O my Strength, come quickly to help me.
20 Deliver my life from the sword, my precious life from the power of the dogs.
21 Rescue me from the mouth of the lions; save me from the horns of the wild oxen.
22 I will declare your name to my brothers; in the congregation I will praise you.
23 You who fear the LORD, praise him! All you descendants of Jacob, honor him! Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!
24 For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.

Walking With You

2009-07-16T08:22:00.008-05:00

Walking With You--Naming Our Babies

Like most women (I think), I had names picked out for my children by the time I graduated high school. However, my step-sister-in-law got to my girl's name first so when we found out we were pregnant, we started thinking. We had three boys names picked out but we couldn't agree on a girl's name. I don't like names that can arbitrarily be shortened by anyone you meet--it really bugs me when someone introduces themselves as Christopher or Jonathan and the other person immediately says "Hey Chris" or "Hey John" just because they assume it doesn't matter. Anyway, my husband just decided to quit worrying about it until the time came when we knew what we were having. I have always felt that I would have a daughter first so I kept suggesting names anyway.

I work in a hospital so I see names all the time--fun names, traditional names, names with entirely too many vowels or consonants or 'z's' or apostrophes. I wanted something that the baby wouldn't have trouble pronouncing or spelling since our last name is frequently mispronounced and misspelled. I have always loved the name Elise for a middle name because it flows so well and sounds very elegant to me. We just couldn't come up with a first name that we both liked.

One day, I was going through charge slips at the hospital and I saw two patients back to back whose names together gave me Raelyn. I liked the sound and I had never heard it before (although if you google it, it is fairly popular). My husband liked it instantly, but I still had my reservations because of the spelling. I told him we would just wait until we knew which gender we needed a name for.

On the day of the ultrasound, we were very excited and deep down we both thought that we would see a girl. The moment I saw her face on the screen, I knew that was her name. She was Raelyn. I knew her name before I knew she was a girl! I didn't say anything though because the tech still had not found out the gender yet and we all know what happened for the rest of that visit. When we got to the car after my amniocentesis and talking with the genetic counselor, I told my husband through my tears, "Can we still name her Raelyn? I think her name is Raelyn." He agreed and it was settled.

I looked it up later and discovered that Raelyn means "beautiful lamb" which I thought was very fitting. I can't think of a more precious and yet vulnerable reference than a lamb, and we are all called to follow the Shepherd. Even more interesting is her middle name Elise, which means "Promise of God". That really touched me and I took it two ways. I believe that a "Promise of God" is that she will have brothers and sisters here on Earth. Also, Raelyn was a promise to me--she was the firstborn and left behind a promise in that brief glimpse of the love that I have for my children. I have never been around children much and I have always had a very deep, hidden fear that I would not be able to love my children enough. She showed me a love that I never thought I could possess.

My husband and I use her name when we talk about her, but no one on my side of the family has ever spoken her name. I know no one wants to dredge up old feelings or grief, but it's not old to me. I smile everytime someone spells out her name in the comments. It still makes me so happy to hear her name spoken out loud--to know that someone remembers.

Love-Hate

2009-07-14T16:53:00.003-05:00

I met my boss's less-than-24 hours-old baby boy today. I apparently have a kind of love-hate relationship to all things baby right now. I wanted to go and see him. I wanted to know how he and the family were doing. It isn't a totally terrible thing for me to see newborn babies, but when I got up there, my heart started pounding out of my chest like I had just been asked to give a nationwide speech on the differences between Nascar and drag racing (or something else equally irrelevant to my life).

The baby was beautiful and perfect, but I couldn't speak, much less hold him and talk to him. One of my coworkers who went with me said "Oooh! I've never held anyone as small as you" and the first thought that came to my mind was "Oooh! I've never held anyone as small as you... that was alive." Then, my fight or flight reaction intensified as my boss began to talk rather flippantly about the fact that his baby (who was almost a day old and didn't have a name yet) had a true knot in his cord that was also wrapped around his neck when he was born. I really wanted to tell him to Google "true knot in cord" the next time he wanted to feel thankful for life. I really wanted to tell him about the countless babies whose mommies only have blogs with newborn pictures because there aren't any more opportunities for pictures. I really wanted to pull out my own newborn pictures of Raelyn and proudly boast that at 23 weeks, my Raelyn was a 1/2 inch longer than their unnamed son! I really wanted to bust their bubble of naivete and happiness with my own tragedy... but I didn't. I stood there silently nodding as they complained about taking this new life home to live with their other (four under the age of ten) children and how hard it was going to be.

It really shouldn't bother me this much. I should be happy for them that their son made it out alive and I truly am, but that happiness is tempered by thoughts of "Why them?" or "Why not me" or "Why not so many other countless mamas who don't have a child to hold at home?" This is the same boss that told me after Raelyn died that he believed things like that happened to people for one of two reasons. Either God is trying to make you strong enough to endure something else or you are already strong enough to handle it. Then, he actually said "Thank God I'm not strong enough!" as though any of us just woke up on whatever fateful day our losses became real and said "Well, at least I am strong enough to handle this!"

I'm really not bitter... I just think that people should be a little more sensitive. But then again, who am I to destroy someone else's innocence? Why shouldn't he be blindly happy? I would have been had things been different. There is that love-hate thing again. I want to be a part of this happiness, but my vision has forever been colored and the things that should excite my heart only pierce me to the core.

What would life be like?

2009-07-07T08:17:00.003-05:00

What does a five month old baby look like?

What would she be doing now?

Would she be sitting up and smiling at me?

Would we be looking for her first tooth?

Would she have enough hair to put a little bow in?

Would she be trying to crawl?

Would she already love Grandma and Nana and PawPaw and Pops and Grams?

Would she have slept through her first fireworks like her mama did?

All I know is that the hole she left is huge and the love I have for her is even bigger than that.
Some days the hardest part is not even knowing what I am missing.

Walking With You

2009-07-02T06:38:00.003-05:00

Sharing the Journey--Meeting Raelyn

Being at the hospital was a surreal experience. I hated walking into L&D still feeling her weight in my abdomen and knowing that when I walked out, I would be leaving her behind forever. The first nurse was very snippy to me and seemed to have a problem with the reason I was there until the doctor (Dr. Y was amazingly compassionate and competent!) spoke with her outside. When they came back in, she was a completely different person. I don't think she understood the gravity of the situation.

I didn’t even really comprehend what was happening enough to even cry until late that night. I knew enough from working in the hospital to understand the options that were presented, but I never knew there were so many forms and decisions and questions and choices. I chose to be induced by a continuous Pitocin infusion because it sounded easier than the tablets, but I didn't know that the Pitocin would cause it to feel like one long contraction. There were no waves once it got started. It felt like someone had twisted the lower half of my body around backwards and left me there. I had terrible back labor and I remember thinking that I couldn't believe that I was going through all of this pain and would have no crying baby to help dull the memory. I had a blood pressure cuff, and IV, and a contraction monitor, but because we were inducing, the nurses would not bring in a Doppler or ultrasound to let me hear her heartbeat or to even know if she was still alive. Looking back, I believe that God answered our prayers to take her home before the labor because I never felt her swishing around after the amnio and her appearance after birth indicated that she had been gone for more than a few hours.

Sometime after 11:00pm, we were finally able to convince my in-laws to go home because nothing was going to happen before morning and minutes after they left, my mom came back to the hospital, intent on staying in my room over night. After many tears and an utterly defeated argument, I made my mom leave my husband and me alone. I just knew there was no way I could sleep with her there and honestly, I needed time to process what was about to happen. All day there had been someone in the room with us and my husband and I needed time alone. After she left I just sat on the edge of the bed and wept. My husband asked what was wrong and when I responded with “I don’t know” he just held me, stroked my hair, and said “I know.”

I don’t really remember much of the following morning because sometime in the middle of the night, I had been given Phenergan for nausea and it knocked me completely senseless. Apparently I had entire conversations that I have no memories of. I remember flashes of faces and at one point I fell asleep while sitting up in bed. My mom thought I was going to fall over and hit the floor. I remember waking up in pain as Dr. Y broke my water and I was so angry. After he left I cried to my husband, saying, "He should have told me he was going to do that. I didn't know. He should have woken me up." to which he replied, "He did, honey. He talked to you about it, and you agreed that it was time." I had absolutely no idea. He said he stayed in there with me alone for most of the day and cried while I slept. People don’t seem to understand that, as a father, his dreams were dead too. He is such an amazing and supportive man. I never could have made it without him.

Later that afternoon, my doctor came to my room in a suit and tie. He was going to have to leave to be inducted into some kind of OBGYN Hall of Fame but he was bringing another doctor to watch over me until he returned. He had this new doctor examine me to see how much I was dilated and I remember him saying "The baby is two fingers in the vault" meaning I had been delivering and didn't even know it. My husband said that in my sleep I had been sitting up in bed and pushing my hands on my stomach but he didn't realize that I was actually pushing. The nurses had been telling him all morning that when it was time to push, I would wake up. The new doctor immediately laid me back and told me to push. With two doctors and two nurses in there, my husband couldn't even get to the bed to hold my hand.

When Raelyn was born, I was instantly awake! I had no more grogginess at all. I knew I needed to be awake in case she was alive. She was not. I have never heard a silence so deafening than a silent labor room with the stillness broken only by a father’s sobs as he told his father on the phone “she had the baby”. I don’t know why—maybe it was the drugs—but I couldn’t even cry. I had cried so hard the night before as well as the two weeks prior, it was almost like I had run out of tears.

We held her and she was beautiful. Her tiny body showed signs of death and was badly bruised from the delivery since I had labored for over 24 hours but she looked perfect! I knew, however; that 23 week old babies should weigh a little more than a pound, but she was only eleven ounces. Her smaller size and her clenched fists were the only outward manifestations of the Trisomy 18, but I know that her organs were not all there. She was nineteen inches long and had big feet! She would have been a tall baby. She looked just like I did as an infant. My husband jokingly called it another Immaculate Conception because her eyes, nose and mouth are all mine! September 29, 2008 was one of the lowest points in my life to date. Bringing my baby’s body into the world while her spirit was dancing with Jesus was absolutely heartbreaking.

There are so many things that I wish we had done, that I wish I had known about. We took a few pictures on our own camera, but I wish I had known about Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I also wish we had taken some time with her by ourselves before our families came in. Everyone was waiting outside and as soon as I was decent (I hope) they all came in and everyone stayed the rest of the day. We didn't have any time to just be alone and love on Raelyn. I wish we had taken hand and foot imprints. I wish we had taken a special outfit or blanket or something for her. Sometimes I wish we had been financially able to have her cremated or buried where we could go visit. Some days I really struggle with regrets and guilt, but I know that she is healthy and happy and whole in the arms of our Father. Most of all, I wish I had kissed her. I don't know why I didn't. I think I was afraid of what my family would think or say. I wish I had held her close and kissed her and sung over her... I wish I had had more time with her...

Crazy

2009-07-01T09:30:00.003-05:00

Disclaimer: Please know that all comparisons made in this post are only valid in my twisted, grieving brain. I know that they are completely irrational and I know (believe me, I know) that the two situations are not the same, but I need to get this out.

Three weeks ago, I got a phone call from my dad saying that two puppies had been dropped off out by the warehouse where he works, and he wanted to know if we knew anyone who wanted a puppy. My husband went and picked them up because his parents wanted one and they wouldn't let him only take one (because they didn't want one left at the warehouse).

Long story short, my in-laws decided they wanted the little one (the one on the left), but they wanted to give him to us to train him and then we would give him back. They were going to take the bigger one to the Haven, a shelter that uses dogs as therapy for kids. The night we took the puppy home, we decided that something was wrong and we took him to the vet the next morning. Turns out, he had parvo (a virus that is mostly fatal in puppies) and he was hospitalized for a week. Walking out those hospital doors without him brought back a tidal wave of emotions. I cried on the way home because I had just left another baby (irrational, I know) and he might not make it out.

Fast forward a week (and $650), we brought him home to stay. My in-laws were on the fence now about whether they still wanted him, so I figured that he was ours. We named him Bones because all he wanted when we first met him was Milk-bones. The first night he was home, I sat with him in my lap the entire evening and coaxed him to eat. I walked around outside with him for long periods of time, trying to get him to go. He began perking up after the second day and started playing with Selah (my other dog).

So it went for another week as we all learned how to read each other's needs. I got up with him many times in the night to take him outside and calm him down enough to go back to sleep afterwards. Now, he sleeps through the night, but I still lie awake at night to make sure he is alive in his crate. (I'm sure by now anyone reading this can see where this is going, and yes, I know that it is all crazy.)

My husband was less than pleased with all aspects of training Bones. He had a few rough days trying to get up and get out of the house with both of them there. Meanwhile, my mom has been talking to my aunt, who is a dog lover, and trying to find a home for this puppy because she doesn't think we need another dog in our small house. Saturday my aunt called and said that she had someone at work who was very excited to have the dog. She wanted some more information and pictures if he was still available. I called and asked my husband again and he said that we should go ahead and give him away

Now I am just waiting for the day when my aunt will show up and take him away and all my heart knows is that another baby will be gone from my house and my care. I know that he will be loved and well taken care of, but that doesn't make it hurt any less that he is leaving. I can't not be attached to him or not love him for the time that he is here and of course no one that I know can understand this. I just keep finding parallels between Bones and Raelyn (not the same, I know) and the emotions keep flooding back when I least expect them to. I don't know if there is anyone who will not think I am crazy after reading this (heck, I don't even believe in my own sanity right now, why should I expect others to), but this is what is on my heart right now.

Under the Tree

2009-06-27T13:54:00.012-05:00

A fun Under the Tree/Get to Know You for June:

Hair Color: red--not carrot top, but more burnished copper

Eye color: green/brown

Profession: pharmacy technician

Relationship status: Married

Favorite color: anything bright

Favorite movie: The Phantom of the Opera, The Little Mermaid (always has been and always will be)

Favorite animal: I've always wanted to hug a panda...

Favorite store: Target

Favorite childhood memory: making homemade Blizzards at Grandma's house

Favorite hobby: sleeping, music, movies, reading

Favorite song/singer: "Broken Hallelujah" by Mandisa, "Revelation Song" by Christ for the Nations, "I'm Singing" by Kari Jobe, "Arise" by Chris Sligh... just to name a few.

Favorite book/author: right now... The Shack. Ask me again tomorrow and it will be different!

Favorite school subject: science

Favorite vacation destination: My husband and I have always wanted to go to Australia!

Favorite food: chicken fried rice

Favorite restaurant: Depends on my mood, but I could eat at Chick-fil-A just about any time!

Coke or pepsi : Coke, all the way

Beer or wine: nope

Coffee or tea: I like a little coffee with my cream and sugar.

Apple Juice or O.J.: apple juice

Summer or Winter: Winter! I hate being hot. There are only so many articles of clothing you can remove before someone starts to stare...

Cats or dogs: Dogs

Salty or sweet: Sweet... or salty... or sweet and salty...

Plane or boat: plane--I love to fly!

Morning or night: neither!

Money or love: Love

Breakfast or dinner: all of the above

Forgiveness or revenge: Forgiveness

House or apartment: house (although sometimes I wish it was an apartment because then someone else would be responsible for repairs.)

Like to cook: nope, just like to eat!

Have You Ever:

Got a speeding ticket: Yes (60 in a 45 in a construction zone!!!)

Wished you were someone else: At times, but when I see the things in my life that couldn't exist if I wasn't me, I wise up and learn to be content with myself.

Cried during a movie: yup!

Describe yourself in one word: Loved

Biggest fear: I can't bear to write this one down.

Biggest mistake: running away from my purpose

Your proudest accomplishment: walking in grace, although I didn't accomplish anything to get here!

Dream job: I always wanted to sing, but I am afraid of speaking in public!

Special talents: I love to sing.

Where would you rather be at the moment: home, asleep in my bed

Famous person you want to meet: at the moment... either Mandisa or Steven Curtis Chapman

Song to be played at your funeral: "You Wouldn't Cry for Me Today" by Mandisa--I hope every word of it is true!

Walking With You

2009-06-26T08:04:00.005-05:00

Sharing the Journey: Waiting

The day of the amniocentesis, we came home and made phone calls to all of the waiting grandparents. Some asked questions, some sat in shocked silence, no one cried. I couldn't understand that. It is a difficult feeling to go from praying that it's not Down's Syndrome to praying that it's only Down's Syndrome. The doctor had told us that the amnio results would take ten days, but that they might have some preliminary results after two days. That night, we talked about all of it--the diagnosis, our options, our daughter. That was the day that I named her. We had discussed names before and we both liked Raelyn Elise, but I had reservations because of the spelling. Our last name is frequently mispronounced and even more frequently misspelled so I kind of wanted her to have an easier first name. However, the moment I saw her on that ultrasound screen, that was her name. She was my Raelyn.

We prayed that night and felt at peace with the day. We had some theories as to why we saw some of the markers that they were worried about. Our quad screen test had come back with all negatives and we knew (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that my dates were correct so that wouldn't have affected the test. My husband had a hole in his heart when he was born that resolved after birth, so we weren't too worried about the Ventricular Septal Defect. We reasoned that since she was moving around so much during the ultrasound, her head might have been tilted back some so that her eye sockets made it look like a lemon head. I spent the next two days happy and at peace. I had printed out a normal karyotype, placed it next to my computer at work, and every time I looked at it, I said to myself "Two and only two." When I got the call to come back to the doctor's office for the preliminary, I went by myself. I was so sure that they were going to tell me that everything was normal. I had such peace walking into that horrible genetic counselor's office and I think that is why the bad report sent me reeling so far downward.

After that, we waited ten days for the final results of the test. We had decided at this point that for us to carry her to term would be worse than letting her go. This was by far the hardest decision I have ever had to make. For my husband and me, we thought it would have been harder to hold her and let her die in our arms. It was like being told that my daughter had been in an accident and she would never regain consciousness, never breathe on her own, and be resigned to a lifetime of tubes and needles and medicine. To be completely honest, my prayer at that time was not "God, please heal my daughter" or "God, please let the test be wrong." My prayer was "God, if you have not willed for my daughter to live past birth, please take her before I get these test results." I naively thought that if I knew she was in Heaven, healed and whole, that I wouldn't hurt so much. I was wrong.

I never felt her little 'swishies' after the amnio and I have an ultrasound picture (from where they were guiding the needle) that shows her lying still at the bottom of my womb--a strange sight since she had been bouncing off the walls minutes earlier. I had a scare that landed me in the hospital the following weekend (before we had the final results) and we heard her heartbeat there, but it was slower than normal. After we received the final diagnosis of Trisomy 18, and the doctor had time to process all of the pictures and estimate the extent of the defects, we scheduled an induction for the following Sunday after church. It seems so wrong to write that because we are Christians and we are pro-life, but I couldn't see the good in forcing my daughter to go through a painful birth, only to live her entire life on earth under bright hospital lights, with tubes and needles and poking and prodding. The doctor outlined the problems that he could see on the ultrasound and told us that there would likely be many more that he couldn't see right now. To allow her to go straight from the love and comfort of my womb to the waiting arms of Jesus was the better option for our family.

This was easily the most heart wrenching decision of our lives and I still feel guilt and doubt about it. I wonder if things might have been different if we had continued the pregnancy. I just couldn’t bear the thought of waking up every morning wondering if today was going to be the day that I miscarried and lost my daughter or trying to explain to people why I wouldn’t need a baby shower. I know God is sovereign and I know that He knew my decision before the beginning of time, but I still wonder if he is disappointed in me. We prayed and we offered her back to the Lord. He gave her to us as an idea and later as a broken body, but we were never meant to keep her. We felt peace about it then and I know that most of my feelings now, three months later, are thoughts from my flesh sneaking in but I still wonder…

~~~~~~~~~~~~

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. –Isaiah 61:1-3

Remember your word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. – Psalm 119:49-50

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please continue to pray for my husband and me. I have felt your prayers and I thank you for them. He did get a positive medical report yesterday that we are thankful for. I am dealing with some emotional and spiritual issues of my own

Father's Day

2009-06-20T15:07:00.002-05:00

With Father's Day coming up tomorrow, I want to take a minute to honor Raelyn's Daddy. I will never forget the look on his face when I told him that the test was positive. He was so excited to be a Daddy! He hugged me tight and we went out to buy some digital tests just to be safe. That night, he was supposed to preach at church and he told me that I couldn't look at him while he was in the pulpit or he would start smiling so big that everyone there would know our new little secret! All through my pregnancy we would fall asleep with his hand on my belly, protecting the life inside the only way that he could.

I will also never forget the heartbreak on his face as I explained what the doctor had just said to us or the anguish when he called his parents in from the waiting room, saying "She's here... she's gone." He tenderly cared for me during those early days of shock and numbness while dealing with it himself. He gave me the space I needed while simultaneously holding me close.

We have been through some rough times, but our relationship is stronger than ever. I eagerly await the day when he can really show me what the Daddy in him can do!

I love you, Sweetheart!!

Walking With You

2009-06-17T06:38:00.011-05:00

Sharing the Journey: Our First Steps

September 15, 2008--my husband's 24th birthday--was to be the day that we got to meet our first baby via ultrasound. We had no idea that it would also be the day that our world was shaken to the core.

I was 21 weeks pregnant and very excited. The night before, while we were laying in bed, I told my husband that I was nervous. He asked why and I told him, "Because it is always the ones who don't want children or who have 5 other kids and can't afford to feed another mouth who have healthy, perfect babies. It's the ones who did everything right who have problems." He brushed my fears off and reminded me that we had already passed all of the screening tests with flying colors. We went to sleep content, but I still had this nagging anxiety.

We requested a friend of a friend to be our ultrasound tech, so we had to wait a little while for her, but it was worth it. She was so sweet to us. It was amazing to hear that heartbeat and see our baby moving around in there. She was using me to practice her kickboxing but I was shocked to realize that I couldn't feel it yet. We sat there and marvelled at this life inside of me while the sonographer took her measurements. After a long search and some belly wiggling to get the baby to turn over, she finally moved and the sonographer said "It's a girl!" We were so thrilled and all negative thoughts were gone from my mind. She took a few more measurements and pictures before beginning to type in all of her findings. While my husband watched the baby, I watched the sonographer's screen. My mind began to crumble as I watched her skip important measurements like head and heart and she chose "poor" for stomach. My thoughts raced through all of the possibilities and as my eyes filled with tears and I couldn't read anymore, she got up and said, "Let me go get Dr. Welt and see if he can get some better pictures so I can fill in these measurements." She left and I tried to compose myself enough to talk to my husband. His face was positively glowing as the thought of having a daughter began to dawn on him. He asked me what was wrong and as I told him about the "poor" notation and the skipped entries, I began to pray.

The doctor came in and began looking at the pictures. He started listing off abnormalities like "ventricular septal defect", "rocker bottom feet" "clenched fists" and "the lemon sign" and the tears started to flow down my cheeks and into my hair as my biology background kicked in and I realized what was going on. My husband looked on in confusion until the doctor said those terrible words--"incompatible with life". At this point we were both crying and the teary-eyed sonographer passed out tissues. Dr. Welt started talking options and further diagnosis and then left the room so that we could decide what we wanted to do. I sat up on the table and sobbed into my husband's chest as he whispered prayers into my hair. They escorted us to a waiting area to talk to a genetic counselor. She seemed very uncomfortable and almost uncaring as she grilled us about the preliminary diagnosis and what the doctor had said to us. (I wanted to tell her to leave and come back after she had read the chart.) We opted for an amniocentesis so that we would know for sure and once again we were left in the room alone to contemplate our fate. During this short time, we called our closest pastor/mentor and he prayed with us on speakerphone in that little conference room. We were ushered down the hall, prepped, and punctured within 15 minutes. One of the most difficult things about that day was having to walk back out through that waiting room filled with swollen bellies and smiles. I felt it was my duty to hide my splotchy, tear-stained face from them in order to protect that innocence that I had only hours before. Sometimes, I still feel that obligation to be silent, to protect those who are still innocent...

~~~~~~~~~~~

What helped me through was the fact that my husband stood and cried with me. If he had shied away or not been willing to talk through things openly, I don't know what I would have done. Some time later, I discovered Bring the Rain which became a huge source of encouragement for me.

2 Chronicles 20:17 (NIV)
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' "

~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a prayer request for my husband and I as we walk this road. We seem to be walking further apart than we were in the beginning, but not dangerously so. We have been under attack in every area--jobs, finances, health, family--in the last 8 months, so we covet your prayers.

Love

2009-06-10T09:23:00.007-05:00

Love: A feeling of strong attachment induced by that which delights or commands admiration; preeminent kindness or devotion to another; affection; tenderness; as, the love of brothers and sisters.

How do you know you are loved?

Because someone tells you so?

Because of something someone does for you?

Because of something someone gives you?

A feeling?

A touch?

The Way of Love

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.

Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled. When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good. We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

~1 Corinthians 13~

~The Message~

How do you know God loves you?

Because He tells you so in His Word.

Because He took your sins upon Himself and He died on the cross for you.

Because of the grace He extends to you in your need.

A feeling of humility before His throne.

A touch of sunshine.

I know that I know, but how do I explain it to myself so that I can remember it when I don't feel it.

Wild Olive Tees

2009-06-02T20:48:00.007-05:00

I just discovered this website with these awesome inspirational tee shirts! This is an amazing icebreaker to be able to share your faith with others in your life. Here are some of my favorites:
Front: such things...
Back: Philippians 4:8
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.
Front: beloved

Back: Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.

Front: unfolding

Back: Philippians 1:6
He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Hope

2009-05-28T08:26:00.009-05:00

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge,
That myth is more potent than history.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts
That hope always triumphs over experience
That laughter is the only cure for grief
And I believe that love is stronger than death.
~~Robert Fulghum. Storyteller's Creed.~~

I have mentioned before that somehow, however contradictory it may sound, I have hope for the future, but sometimes I just don't have hope for the present.

Hope - believing that a better or positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary.

Everyday there is mounting "evidence to the contrary" everywhere I look. The news is full of terrible things--proof that this world does not and should not make sense to us. If the happenings of the earth make sense to me, then I have a serious problem. Even the things that are not controlled by humans (like this) do not make sense to me. They can't make sense because I cannot see the Master's plan. However, seeing all of these things only makes it more clear that without a hope in God, I am forever going to be stuck trying to make sense of this life.

Whatever happiness or expectancy hope engenders within a person, the feelings that must come first are anger and courage--anger at the way things are and courage to see that they do not remain that way.

For someone to experience the happiness of hope, I think that they have to get through the anger and courage first. Sometimes that journey is instantaneous. The very first time you see those two pink lines you have no firsthand knowledge of the anger at the way things are. The first thought that crosses your mind is not about all of the babies in Heaven who have left grieving mamas behind. Since there is no anger, courage to see the world differently is not needed and you can jump straight to hope. Trying to rekindle hope after a tragedy is completely different. That journey is long and the obstacles change on a daily (or sometimes hourly) basis depending on where you are in your grief.

I'm somewhere in between anger and courage. I am still angry every time I see a new blog that is dedicated to a child's memory. I am outraged when I hear about women like this when there are so many who would do almost anything to have one. But, I don't yet have the courage to truly believe that things will not always be this way. Don't get me wrong. I know that a day is coming when all will be made right and we will walk the New Earth with Jesus. I know that His grace is sufficient for all of my needs. I know that this world is broken. I know all of these things, but this is that hope for the future that I mentioned. Everything will be okay, but everything is not okay now.

For now, I am struggling with this lack of hope. Tomorrow will be eight long months since I last held Raelyn in my arms, but this is not the source of my pain right now. I rejoice in the fact that she is living in Heaven, free and whole, even though I miss her dearly and I wonder what she would be doing now if she were still here. My lack of hope comes from trying to give her a sibling. Every month that passes brings another torrential wave of intense hope in the beginning which turns to a crushing blackness by the end. Obviously, the gift of another child is not a decision that is left up to me. My head knows that it will happen (or not) in accordance with His plan and I trust in the fact that His plan truly is in my best interest. I just don't have the courage to let myself believe that things will change while I am still here on earth. Without that, I cannot have hope for the present, but I will keep pressing forward, leaning on Him.

Hoping does not mean doing nothing. It is not fatalistic resignation. It means going about our assigned tasks, confident that God will provide the meaning and the conclusion. It is not compelled to work away at keeping up appearances with a bogus spirituality. It is the opposite of desperate and panicky manipulations, of scurrying and worrying. And hoping is not dreaming. It is not spinning an illusion or fantasy to protect us from our boredom or our pain. It means a confident, alert expectation that God will do what he said he will do. It is imagination put in the harness of faith. It is a willingness to let God do it in his way and in his time. It is the opposite of making plans that we demand that God put into effect, telling him both how and when to do it.

Defeated

2009-05-22T10:54:00.003-05:00

I feel totally, utterly defeated today.

I have worked, prayed, hoped for so long and still have nothing to show for it all.

My legs feel as heavy as my heart and my arms literally ache.

It's as if someone is standing on my shoulders as I walk through my life and sometimes, he covers my eyes so that I cannot see the path ahead.

Today is one of those times when my eyes are covered and I cannot respond to anything except through the darkness.

I don't know how to break out of this funk, but I can't keep walking in darkness or I'll alienate even the ones who have stuck by me.

Lord, move in a way that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away. Waves are crashing on the shore.
So, Lord move or move me.

***Sorry this post is so cryptic and vague. Just trying to work through my own thoughts...

Forgotten

2009-05-14T19:12:00.002-05:00

Mother's Day 2009 is over.

I did get a phone call from my friend who 'gets it' and a card from a friend from work who has no children, but is incredibly sweet. My husband gave me a handmade mother/child heart pendant and wished me a Happy Mother's Day as soon as I woke up so I thought I was going to have an okay day.

I was most worried about church and if I was going to be upset by the message or the recognition of all the mothers. I wondered if I was going to stand with them or not. I have the marks of a mother, just not the marks of a Mom. I have the stretch marks, the dark circles under my eyes, the saggy places that didn't use to sag. What I don't have is the diaper bag instead of the purse, the carseat in the back of the car, or, most importantly, my beautiful 3 month old daughter. I had decided that I would stand proudly, even if I had tears falling, in honor of Raelyn, but there was no recognition at church. There was little recognition with my family either. I overlooked the cards that didn't come. I sat at meals with two different sets of family as people passed "Happy Mother's Day" across me, but inside I was crying out. I was dying to pull my pictures out of my purse and pass them around the tables to prove that I am a mother because no one seems to remember. Even the ones who were present at her birth gave no indication that they had ever set foot in my delivery room.

But I didn't rain on anyone else's day. I put on my 'face' and smiled and laughed while I cried inside. It's days like this that make me wish I was more outspoken for myself. Now, I feel guilty that I never stood and took my place as Raelyn's mom--like I was ashamed or something. I wonder if everyone thinks that since I didn't push it, since I didn't make an issue out of everything, that I'm 'over it' or that I don't think about her anymore or that I don't consider myself a mother.

I didn't choose this. I was chosen to be Raelyn's mom. God chose this path for me before the beginning of time. I don't know why. I don't know how to walk this road except by the grace of God. I have to lean on Him to be able to move forward every day. I read a quote today that really made sense to me at this time. "Who God uses, He bruises. What He makes, He first breaks." I don't know that I am completely broken because I grieve with hope, but I am severely bruised. I am not even sure how I am being used at this point, but someday, maybe never on this earth, I will understand the Master's plan and how Raelyn and I fit into it.

Mother's Day

2009-05-09T12:12:00.002-05:00

Technically, this is not my first Mother's Day.

Last year, I was pregnant with Raelyn but I just didn't know it yet.

I didn't know that just two weeks later, a pregnancy test would give me the best day of my life.

I didn't know that my husband was about to have his first Father's Day and our dads were going to be Grandfathers on Father's Day.

I didn't know about this mother's love that transcends all time, space, and logic.

I didn't know that we would share this pregnancy with our friends who would become pregnant a month later.

I didn't know about nausea and onesies and stretch marks and OB visits and bouncy seats and tiny dresses and so many other tiny beautiful scary things.

I didn't know that five months later, my world would come crashing down around me.

I didn't know about soft markers or the lemon sign or rocker-bottom feet or clenched fists or Trisomy 18.

I didn't know that we would lose those pregnant friends because we were too uncomfortable to be around.

I didn't know about grief.

I didn't truly know about God's grace to carry me when I cannot stand.

I didn't truly know about His peace that passes all (and I do mean all) understanding.

I didn't truly know how He could love us as His own children because I had never held one of my own.

I didn't know...

I know now.

Something to think about...

2009-05-07T13:15:00.003-05:00

I found this post on this heart-wrenching blog I just discovered today. All of this is something I know to be true, but somehow, I have to make myself believe and submit to this idea of radical trust. This post gives me something to think about. I needed this today...

By: John Piper

One of the reasons God rarely gives micro reasons for his painful providences, but regularly gives magnificent macro reasons, is that there are too many micro reasons for us to manage, namely, millions and millions and millions and millions and millions.

God says things like:
These bad things happened to you because I intend to work it together for your good (Romans 8).
These happened so that you would rely more on God who raises the dead (2 Corinthians 1).
This happened so that the gold and silver of your faith would be refined (1 Peter 1).
This thorn is so that the power of Christ would be magnified in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12).

But we can always object that there are other easier ways for God to accomplish those things. We want to know more specifics: Why now? Why this much? Why this often? Why this way? Why these people?

The problem is, we would have to be God to grasp all that God is doing in our problems. In fact, pushing too hard for more detailed explanations from God is a kind of demand that we be God.

Think of this, you are a blacksmith making horseshoes. You are hammering on a white hot shoe and it ricochets off and hits you in the leg and burns you. In your haste to tend to your leg you let the shoe alone unfinished. You wonder why God let this happen. You were singing a hymn and doing his will.

Your helper, not knowing the horseshoe was unfinished gathered it up and put it with the others.Later there was an invasion of your country by a hostile army with a powerful cavalry. They came through your town and demanded that you supply them with food and with shoes for their horses. You comply.

Their commander has his horse shoed by his own smith using the stolen horseshoes, and the unfinished shoe with the thin weak spot is put on the commander’s horse.

In the decisive battle against the loyal troops defending your homeland the enemy commander is leading the final charge. The weak shoe snaps and catches on a root and causes his horse to fall. He crashes to the ground and his own soldiers, galloping at full speed, trample him to death. This causes such a confusion that the defenders are able to rout the enemy and the country is saved.

Now you might say, well, it would sure help me trust God if he informed me of these events so that I would know why the horseshoe ricocheted and burned my leg. Well maybe it would help you. Maybe not.

God cannot make plain all he is doing, because there are millions and millions and millions and millions of effects of every event in your life, the good and the bad. God guides them all. They all have micro purposes and macro purposes. He cannot tell you all of them because your brain can’t hold all of them.

Trust does not demand more than God has told us. And he has given us immeasurably precious promises that he is in control of all things and only does good to his children. And he has given us a very thick book where we can read story after story after story about how he rules for the good of his people.

Let’s trust him and not ask for what our brains cannot contain.

Naming it

2009-05-01T07:23:00.003-05:00

I have been largely silent here for the past few weeks. I have been feeling like I want to write something, anything but I have been telling myself that I just don't have time because I'm too busy. Wednesday night, on my 20th-ish consecutive night spent in front of the computer watching old episodes of my favorite TV shows it hit me. I was watching last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy (if you don't watch it, bear with me) and I got to the end of the episode where Owen is in therapy with Dr. Wyatt. She is encouraging him to speak his feelings so that they can start to work through his post-traumatic stress disorder and when he finally does, she says something that struck me. Here is the conversation:

Owen: I jumped. In front of her car. And she was just driving to the bank.

Dr. Wyatt: Are you talking about Cristina?

Owen: I jumped in front of her. I knew, I knew I wasn't together. I knew I was no good for her, or for anyone. And I wrecked her. And that is unforgivable. I don't forgive myself for that. I can't forgive myself for that. And I feel shameful about that. That is what I feel today. Shame.

Dr. Wyatt: Good. That's a start.

Owen: How is that a start?

Dr. Wyatt: You named it. The feeling. You have to know what it is, before you can start to navigate to somewhere better.

I am not busy. I come home from work and don't want to do anything--just sit on the couch and vegetate. I can't write because I don't know how to name this feeling. I don't even know if there is a feeling. How can I sum up such conflicting emotions? How can I think about moving forward? How can I think about leaving her behind? How can I qualitatively describe the effects of a life which some don't even consider to be a life? How can her existence only be chronicled in this tiny little corner of the internet? How can I continue to write about this child that I never got the opportunity to know? How can I not continue? How do I reconcile my love for the sovereign God of the universe with my limited understanding of His perfect plan for my life? How can I not love Him? How do I comprehend His unending love for me while remembering the fact that He holds my daughter in Heaven? How can I not rejoice for her and praise Him for His grace?

For some of these questions, there is no answer. For some, there is no question. These are some of the questions banging around in my heart as I try to name this feeling so that I can begin to navigate to somewhere better.

Under the Tree--April

2009-04-28T14:05:00.005-05:00

It is time for this month's Under the Tree! If you don't know about this gathering, check out Carly's blog for more information. If this is your first time to join us, you are welcome here.

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It will be 7 months tomorrow since Raelyn went home. I can't believe it has been so long but in the same instant it feels like yesterday. Grief is a strange beast that comes out and threatens to strangle me at the weirdest times. I am still so numb most of the time. I sleep but I don't rest. I wake up more exhausted than when I went to bed. I get home after work and don't want to do anything but sit on the couch and watch something mindless on TV. I don't want to see my family because it seems like everything about Raelyn is old news--like they are patronizing me by even listening to me talk about her. Our closest friends (the ones whose baby was due a month after Raelyn) haven't spoken to us since the birth of their son in February. I realize that we represent any parent's greatest fear, but even after Raelyn was born, we tried to be a part of their lives and we hoped to be able to watch their son grow up and now we don't even get e-mail pictures of him. Things like that are hard for me to deal with and are a large part of my grief--people who I thought would be there for us who aren't. I don't grieve for Raelyn. I know where she is. I grieve for the things I have lost--the experiences I should be having now, the relationships that are now strained and awkward, the naive bliss of pregnancy. I don't know what 3-month olds look like or what milestones we would be approaching. Sometimes life even seems normal. I can laugh and smile genuinely but she is always in my heart and I am always wondering what I would be doing in this moment had things been different.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

Most often, I am genuinely happy for them. Sometimes, on bad days, the jealousy flares up. I want what they have. I want that joy. I even want all of the pregnancy discomforts. The ones that hurt the most are the girl who is busting out of her trendy jeans and trying to pull down the t-shirt with her high school mascot on it over her bump or the woman whose pre-teen daughter is holding her toddler sister so that her very pregnant mom can have both hands free to light a cigarette. I have no idea what their stories are. I don't know if they are going to keep the baby or give it up for adoption, if they tried to get pregnant or if "it was only one time" and that baby was an unwelcome surprise. I only know that it feels like they can't possibly want that baby as much as I would or appreciate it as much as I would. I know that is totally irrational but that is how grief works--making the irrational a part of daily life.

What's your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

I search out music that speaks to me and that I can use to worship God. I am trying to adapt to this new person who calls herself by my name because the old me is gone forever. This new person has her heart out on her sleeve and she feels more deeply than before. The most minor comments or omissions burn her heart and her love flows more freely. Historically, I have been pretty closed off when it comes to my feelings and I have been able to bury them, but this new me feels transparent and vulnerable. Writing here helps me to get out some of those feelings that I wouldn't feel comfortable saying out loud.

That Face

2009-04-11T12:02:00.004-05:00

"Bereaved people are like ducks above the surface. Looking composed and unruffled...below the surface, paddling like crazy." ~ Author Unknown

"I know that face... it's my face."

One of my coworkers was commenting yesterday on how well another coworker was handling the sudden loss of her only son at five days shy of one year old last month. As I looked at her in disbelief and tried not to look hurt, I corrected her. I said, "I see her smile and my heart breaks all over again because I know that face... it's my face. I wear that face everyday. She is not handling it well. It's just a face." I told her that this is something no one can "handle". You just keep putting one foot in front of the others and pray that time moves a little faster so that you can get home and take off that face. You have to put it on to go to work, to go see family, and some days, you have to put it on before you can even get out of bed. She agreed, but she will never fully understand and I pray she never has to.

My husband and I enjoy the show "Lie to Me" on Fox and the last episode we watched showed a lady who talked of her great expectations for her weekend with her family. She committed suicide the next day and no one knew why. She seemed so happy but the main character analyzed her "micro-expressions" and slowed down the tape so that her true agony was visible on her face. Sometimes, I wonder if people can see through my "face" or hear the edge that I hear in my voice. I know that I am a different person now. I am less tolerant. I am exhausted all the time. I sleep but I don't rest. I am a mother with no child to kiss. I wonder if all of that shows in my face.

This Easter is the first major holiday without Raelyn. Her due date was January 26 so this was the first holiday we would have really celebrated with her here. It is so hard for me to wrap my heart around the fact that I had planned to teach her the true significance of this holiday and tell her about her Savior and what He sacrificed for her and now... now she is living it! She can sit on His lap and listen to His story firsthand all because of His sacrifice. The hope that we have in Christ that we can be saved from our sins, see our loved ones again, and live eternally in Heaven with Him is all because of His sacrifice on the cross.

But that's not all! His sacrifice provided for His children a promise here on Earth. "Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." ~Isaiah 53:4-5. Christ carried our sorrows and brought us peace and healing through His death. I don't have to carry my own sorrow or search out my own peace. All I have to do is turn to Christ and lay my grief before Him. I say that lightly but it is difficult for me to do. I can lay it down, but it seems that I turn right around and snatch it back up again, lay it across my shoulders and continue through life, stooped over underneath the weight of it all. Sometimes I feel that if I lay my grief at His feet that I will be leaving her behind, so I pick it back up and hold it close to my chest. My head knows the Word and the freedom it can bring to my life, but sometimes there is not enough room for that depth of understanding in this grieving mama's heart.

I know that you are for me

I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness

I know that you have come down

Even if to write upon my heart

To remind me who you are

~~Kari Jobe--"You Are For Me"~~

Wonderful Songs

2009-04-03T17:18:00.002-05:00

I bought the latest release from Mandisa yesterday and her songs really spoke to my heart. With song titles like "He is With You" "Broken Hallelujah" and "You Wouldn't Cry", the songs have to be powerful. (This is not a promotion of any kind--this music just helped lift some of the funk.) I cannot find any of the music online yet so I will let some of my favorite lyrics speak for themselves.

This first song is an affirmation to me that my God walks with me not only in the middle of the storm that I am facing, but also when I am screaming at Him or when I have turned my face away.

He is With You

He is with you when your faith is dead

And you can't even get out of bed

Or your husband doesn't kiss you anymore

He is with you when your baby's gone

And your house is still and your heart's a stone

Cryin' God, what'd you do that for

He is with you

He is with you in the conference room

When the world is coming down on you

And your wife and kids don't know you anymore

He is with you in the ICU

When the doctors don't know what to do

And it scares you to the core

He is with you

This song brought tears to my eyes while simultaneously lifting my heart from the depths. It is hard for me to walk forward to the throne of God--the most wonderful, beautiful, perfect God of the universe--when all I have to offer is brokenness. I know that is all He asks of me, but it breaks my heart to know that even the good gifts that he has given me are covered by feelings and emotions causing them to be impure sacrifices to Him. Sometimes I feel that I cannot even give Him my best because it is so inadequate. So not true...

Broken Hallelujah

When all that I can sing

Is a broken hallelujah

When my only offering

Is shattered praise

Still a song of adoration

Will rise up from these ruins

I will worship You and give You thanks

Even when my only praise

Is a broken hallelujah

This last song caused those tears to stream freely down my cheeks, but these were tears of peace and joy. This song was meant to be written from the perspective of one of her friend's stillborn son Andrew.

You Wouldn't Cry

All you saw was pain

All you saw was rain

But you should see me now

Moments filled with tears

Lasted all those years

Disappeared somehow

You never said goodbye

On your knees you cry

You're still asking why, but

Blue has never been bluer

True has never been truer

Honey never tasted so sweet

There's a song in the breeze

A million voices in praise

A rose has never smelled redder

The sun has never been brighter

If I could find the right words to say

If you could look at my face

If you could just see this place

You wouldn't cry for me today

What you think you see

Isn't really me

I'm already home

You've got to lay it down

'Cause Jesus holds me now

And I am not alone

Your faith is wearing thin

But I am watching Him

And He's holding you too

This picture of Heaven is a comfort to me and I hope it encourages you as well.

Life is difficult

2009-04-02T16:11:00.000-05:00

There are so many things in my head right now. This week has been really difficult for me. Sunday was the six month anniversary of Raelyn’s death and in some ways I feel like it is just now hitting me. I was really dreading Sunday, but I woke up doing okay. I thought about her a lot in that time after waking but before the alarm goes off. I tried to remember all of the details about her and her short life with us that I could and I was okay—kind of peaceful, but in a dazed sort of way. It wasn’t until the worship started at church that I lost it. I couldn’t even sing, I was crying so much and my chest hurt. I don’t know what song they were singing and it didn’t matter—sometimes it is just so difficult for me to praise God and proclaim His goodness when I don’t feel it or see it. I know He is just as good now as He was before and He will be forever because He doesn’t change, but sometimes it is hard to acknowledge all the goodness even though I am covered in it.

Monday, we all went to load up some furniture from Philip’s Granny’s house so except for the driving time, I didn’t really have opportunity for thinking/remembering too much.

The last three days at work, though, have been rough. I feel manic or something. You know that Southwest Airlines commercial with the really nice ticket lady whose head rotates and she becomes evil—I am that girl. I can laugh, joke, and be nice to all of my coworkers but the moment that I turn around to walk away, my smile dissolves and whatever light I had mustered to cover the pain in my eyes goes out. I go home and just vegetate, even when my husband is home. The numbness is just overwhelming and the worst part is that I am afraid to talk to anyone. I wonder sometimes if I am making too much out of this—I was the only one in my life who remembered about that day. I know that everyone has stuff going on and the world doesn’t revolve around me but I feel like people just want me to move on and quit bringing her up. (Please, if you read this blog and you know me in real life, don’t be concerned—this is why I blog, to get these feelings that I can’t say out loud off my chest.) Every time I try to talk about my feelings with someone I get a suggestion on what to ‘do’ about my feelings. I don’t want suggestions or advice because there is no answer to this. There is nothing short of having my two-month old daughter in my arms that will make this any better.

It is kind of like Christmas. (just go with me here) When you’re a child and it comes time to open presents, tearing off the wrapping paper is almost as fun as discovering the gift inside. You know you’re getting a gift regardless of the paper, but the wrapping is still beautiful and it makes getting to the gift that much more fun. The gift that I have received is the gift of everlasting love, endless grace, and eternal salvation. Sometimes it is wrapped in blessings that I cannot fathom. Sometimes it is wrapped in peace that passes all understanding. Sometimes it is wrapped in sadness. The wrapping does not change the gift; only the path I must take to get to the gift that I know is inside.

I know God’s hand is upon my life and that the Holy Spirit walks this road with me. I know that I am blessed beyond measure with the gift of salvation. I know all of this with my head because the Word says so, but on those days when my heart forgets that the only reason I am walking is by God’s grace, life is difficult.

Reminders

2009-03-28T16:08:00.007-05:00

As I mentioned in the last post, I have several things that are daily reminders of Raelyn that I either carry with me all the time or keep close when I need to see more.

This is a necklace that I ordered from www.myforeverchild.com and I love it. They are her footprints! I just sent them a .jpg scan and they engraved them onto this sterling silver heart.

The back side is also engraved with her name and birthdate. Many times I get lost in thoughts of Raelyn throughout my day and when I come out of my reverie, I find that my hand is covering my heart and I am holding this pendant. I guess it is the closest I will get to holding her again.

My husband bought me a ring when we were seniors in high school and gave it to me for Christmas. We never called it a promise ring, but that's kind of what it was. I loved it because a) I'd never seen one like it before and b) he picked it out for me. Fast forward six years. (wow that sounds like a long time!) When we found out we were pregnant, I introduced my husband to the idea of "push presents," gifts husbands get their wives as thanks for carrying and birthing their children, and I told him that I had always wanted a sapphire ring and that now he had nine months to look for something. :-) When Raelyn was born and died in September, we took the center diamond out of that promise ring and turned it into a mother's ring. This was not how I wanted my sapphire, but I think it is beautiful and I wear it every day.

My mom gave me a gift the first time we went to her house after I was released from the hospital in September. It was a James Avery bracelet and charm called "Flower of Hope." I don't generally like charm bracelets but this one has special significance because hope is exactly what I needed then and my mom was the place that I least expected it from. That night was also the first time in our marriage that she hugged my husband so that hope was far-reaching. Also, if you turn the charm sideways, it says 'be' which is comforting because sometimes that is all I can do.

This is the picture I mentioned in the last post as being part of my special place in the house for Raelyn. My mom made it for me and gave it to me for Christmas. She has never said Raelyn's name out loud but she mentioned one time that she had a miscarriage of her own. She said that she didn't even know it had happened until she went to the doctor weeks later. The fact that she remembers makes me think that she has an idea of what this road feels like, but we don't ever talk about it.

Sometimes my husband and I just sit on the couch opposite this wall, gazing at these pictures and just remember, dream, hope, grieve, pray. These are the only ways that we can parent. We can remember Raelyn and our short time with her. We can dream of what she might have liked to do, eat, or play. We can hope for the future and keep moving forward. We can grieve the death of not only our daughter, but also the death of the dreams we had for our future. We can pray to the most high God to give us peace and strength as we walk ahead, every minute spent here one minute further away from the last time we saw her.

Draw near to us, O Lord, as strive to daily walk with You. Let us be a light to each other as well as to those we meet along the way.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all. ~Psalm 34:17-19

Under The Tree

2009-03-27T07:00:00.006-05:00

It is time for this month's Under the Tree! If you don't know about this gathering, check out Carly's blog for more information. If this is your first time to join us, we welcome you, although we all wish we didn't have to...

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby?

I do not have a special place at home for Raelyn but I do have three pictures hanging on the wall in the living room—her name in the sand, her precious feet, and one my mom made with a James Avery Mother’s Love ornament and her name and birth date on a pink mat. I carry her pictures with me in my purse so she is with me always. I also have a few jewelry pieces that I always wear in her honor. During the moments in my day that I just stop and remember her, I hold onto my necklace which has her footprints engraved into the silver heart pendant. It stays close to my heart and is a comfort to me.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

I believe that Raelyn left the safety and comfort of my womb and was welcomed directly into the arms of Jesus. When I am at my lowest points, thinking of her singing and dancing before the throne of God side by side with three of her grandparents brings a smile to my heart. I am currently reading Heaven by Randy Alcorn and it is giving me a whole new perspective!

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby?

"You are a great God.
Your character is Holy.
Your truth is absolute.
Your strength is unending.
Your discipline is fair.
Your provisions are abundant for our needs.
Your light is adequate for our path.
Your grace is sufficient for our sins.
You are never early, never late.
You sent Your Son in the fullness of time and
will return at the consummation of time.
Your plan is perfect.
Bewildering. Puzzling. Troubling.
But perfect."
- Max Lucado

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. ~Isaiah 61:1-3

Remember your word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. ~ Psalm 119:49-50

Savior Please

2009-03-25T07:32:00.011-05:00

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me
~Josh Wilson

This is the song that speaks to my heart right now. Most days I feel like I am trudging through quicksand, just doing everything in my power to keep upright when all I really want to do is let myself sink. The days when I am most exhausted from the struggle are the days that I try to do it all on my own. I know that the other days, the ones where I can drift off to sleep in peace, those are the days that I have grabbed on to the hand of my Father and let Him help me through the day. Sadly, those days are fewer than the exhausted ones...

I, you, we are called to be holy. (...to those sanctified in Christ Jesus and called to be holy, together with all those everywhere who call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ—their Lord and ours...1 Cor. 1:2)

I used to wonder how in the world I could ever live up to this calling. Who am I that I might be holy or even anything remotely close? Then, I looked closer. The word 'holy' means: consecrated, having a spiritually pure quality. Okay..... still not a chance of ever achieving this goal. Then, I looked closer still. The definition that stood out is this: specially recognized as or declared sacred by religious authority. I cannot be holy. Ever. Period. But He can declare me holy by the blood of Jesus. By His act of ultimate sacrifice, He recognized His children as holy and I became sanctified when His blood covered my sins. He fulfilled the calling 2000 years ago on the cross and all I have to do is believe! God hasn't called me to be anything that I can be on my own--our callings are God-anointed and God-bestowed. He calls, and then gives us the means to enter in. To paraphrase that first scripture: ...to those sanctified in Christ Jesus and called to be saved, sanctified, blood-bought worshippers of the most high God... He has already authorized my entry into my callings, I just have to step up, step out, and walk in them.

Also, the same God who has called us is faithful to His promises for us. (God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful. 1 Cor. 1:9) That means He will never leave me alone in my calling, in my happiness, in my anger, in my joy, in my grief... I will never be alone. Even when I don't feel His presence or His saving grace, I know that I am never alone.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love

Savior please, keep saving me

Called

2009-03-07T07:18:00.003-06:00

I don't have any idea what I want to say, so this might be a jumbled post... but that's okay. Here, I have the freedom to speak my feelings without the fear of being psychoanalyzed. Here, I can be angry without getting a salvation speech. Here, I can cry onto my keyboard and no one will fault me for it.

These last two weeks have been brutal. Two babies have gone home to Jesus and in both instances, my heart was broken to no lesser degree than when we were told Raelyn would not live. I feel like I have been transported back in time 159 days to the day we left the hospital alone. Grief is a strange beast that hides and waits for the time to strike. This is a whole new level I have never experienced before and its a little scary. I have never had this much empathy for another person before--to feel like I am right there with them even though I don't know them very well or at all.

I have realized how inadequate it is to say "I'm sorry" and how the urge to try to console could cause someone to say hurtful things. I was told I don't know how many times that "this is just God's will for you" or "Just remember Jeremiah 29:11" (For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.) or "maybe its just better this way". Really?!? Because I'm pretty sure this is not better than bringing a living child home and if this is God's plan to prosper me and not to harm me, then He messed up because this has harmed me somethin' fierce! (Just to let you know, these responses no longer mirror my true feelings, but I thought each one of them and more during the initial shockwave of grief.) I have learned that the canned scriptural responses that are always accompanied by a pat on the shoulder are not an acceptable offering to a grieving family.

When I learned of my friends' losses, I had this urge to comfort them, to let them know that there is someone here they can talk to, to let them know that they will breathe again. That reassurance alone is what I longed for in the weeks following Raelyn's death. I needed to know that the crushing weight in my chest that held me down would lift slightly so that I could breathe. I looked into the eyes of women who had lost children and saw no compassion, no spark of empathy, no prickling sensation of sorrow for their own losses much less for mine. To me, this was inconceivable! How could these women who have been where I am do nothing? I knew in those moments that this was a small part of God's (much bigger) plan--that there would never be a woman in my path who would have to walk this path alone. If she chooses to keep it inside, she may, but I will always be there for her to cry on.

I had one friend who took me in and cried with me. She looked at Raelyn's pictures and showed all the pride of a mother. She let me know that it was okay to be angry, to be broken, to be a mother even though I have no living children. She just listened and cried with me--and that's okay. Now, I am to be that shoulder for someone else, no matter how broken I become in the process.

Heartbroken

2009-03-06T07:27:00.003-06:00

My heart hurts today...

He went home last night at 8:00 and she followed at 12:45.

My coworker's 11 month old son lost his fight last night and the doctors and family don't even know why. He had a random seizure Tuesday night, progressed to a coma and brain bleed Wednesday, and died on Thursday. How does a healthy, happy baby go from perfect to gone in three days? I have only tasted the pain that this young mother is feeling right now and I just learned that there is an abuse investigation pending. Please keep this family in your prayers.

My husband's Granny also passed away last night after a long struggle in the hospital. We were saddened by the news but also relieved because she was through fighting. She was welcomed home by her husband, daughter, great-granddaughter and countless others whose lives she blessed during her life here. My husband said that she was kind of our first messenger to carry our love to Raelyn and he was comforted by the fact that they would be together.

Last night, I also learned of the distinct (almost inevitable) possibility that someone from my past will be entering my future. When I knew this person before, this person made me feel like I was not good enough for God to use me, speak to me, or be with me. I went through a very dark and lonely time spiritually and although now I know better and I don't believe those lies, I am still very non-excited about this person's reentry into my life.

My heart hurts today...

Heartbreak

2009-03-05T07:30:00.002-06:00

At my workplace, I have roughly 45 coworkers from management down to new-hires. In the last 6 months alone, there have been two parents and three children of employees in my department that have passed away and there is an 11 month old fighting for his life in the PICU right now. I don't know what is going on down here in the basement, but it is heartbreaking.

Please pray for this little one, Shawn, who is in a coma in PICU and for his family as they stand by his bedside. Please pray for the five other families who have been forever changed by the death of a close loved one as well.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you. ~Isaiah 54:10

Under the Tree

2009-02-27T07:36:00.008-06:00

Carly (who gave me the precious gift of the picture seen waaaaay below of Raelyn's name in the sand on the beaches of Australia) has started a monthly series of questions on her blog that help us reach out to other mamas either in support or for support. Come join us under the tree.

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?

I started this blog in January as a way to let some of my feelings out. I have tried journaling before but found that my hand didn't move fast enough (or neat enough) for my mind. This way, I can have a fashionable, yet flawless hard copy of my journey through this period in my life. I hope that through this blog I can let loose some of those difficult feelings that I can't quite verbalize to people in real life. I still have so many buried feelings that aren't exactly kosher to talk about and I plan to use this as a place of release. That said, not everything on this blog will be roses and happiness, but not everything will be tears either.

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?

As I said in my answer to the last question, I have many feelings that I am not even comfortable expressing in solitude, much less to anyone else. I guess that means that this blog should be the safest place for me to share. I hope that it stays that way as I will now have readers (at least occasionally) who may or may not agree with my feelings or the ways in which I express them. In real life, the safest place for me is anywhere alone with my husband. Many times, I am afraid to ask his opinion of my thoughts or let him in on my darkness, but most often I find that when I do let him in, he is having or has had the same feelings. Both of those places sound obvious, so my next safest place is with our friends from our old church. They are both very grounded in faith and they really encourage us when we are at our darkest moments. They experienced an ectopic pregnancy at the beginning of their marriage, so they know these feelings too and have emerged victorious!

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?

I tried to find a book that I could read that I could relate to and most that I found were indirect studies of Job. I would get so irritated and angry that I would just put the book down and never finish it. I was so angry at the thought that God would allow this to happen, that He could and yet chose not to heal Raelyn that the last thing I wanted to read was some other sob story about someone else He allowed awful, unthinkable things to happen to (these are some of those buried feelings). I never did find a tangible book to read but the absolute best piece of writing that I found was Angie Smith's blog Bring the Rain. Her heart-writing was so real to me. I sat at work and just balled (it's a good thing my desk faces a wall) through her story of beautiful Audrey and her family's incredible strength and humility. Her words and Audrey's story helped me begin to heal. I only wish I had found it before Raelyn's death so that I would have been better prepared for the onslaught of emotion and brokenness that the death of a beloved child brings.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?

I think I was like all first-time mothers. I thought pregnancy was always pink and blue and healthy babies. Sure I knew about stillbirth, trisomies, and all that misfired biology stuff from school. I knew it was out there, but it wouldn't happen to me. I had great prenatal care, ate well and exercised, took my vitamins every day... It is horrifically amazing (like watching a car wreck) to go in an instant from praying that it's not Down's syndrome to praying that it's only Down's syndrome. Explaining to five first-time grandparents that there is no hope, that there is no cure for 'incompatible with life'... one of them cried with me, the rest were silent in shock.

I have lost my innocence. I no longer take anything at face-value. It is still so fresh (how long ago five months feels, and yet in the blink of an eye), that I still have anger and raw sadness and bitterness at the intangible things that are lost--the pregnant bliss, the excitement of all the 'firsts'. There is an overwhelming numbness in my life and in my heart that I have yet to break through, but with God's help, I am healing.

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?

I think I am just coping, nothing more. Obviously I think of Raelyn every day, but some days it is with happiness as I envision her dancing and singing before the throne of God, wrapped in everlasting love, and some days I struggle to breathe at the thought that, on this side of Heaven, I will never know her hair or eye color, I will never know the sweet sound of her voice, I will never know her heart. Those days come and go as they please with no warning.

There is a light--a very, very distant pinpoint of light--and an unfathomable hope that can only come from Jesus, but it is a hope for the future. It is hope for the present that I currently lack.

The only thought I have about 2/27/2010 is that I hope to have one of Raelyn's siblings happy and healthy in my arms. I cannot know the plans God has for my life, but I pray that this desire is God-given.

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this. ~Psalm 34:3-5

Heart Cry

2009-02-11T07:58:00.011-06:00

The song you are hearing (if you have the sound on and are not 'blurking' at work) has become my heart cry. You can see a live performance of this song here--Desert Song.

The verses say:

This is my prayer in the desert...

This is my prayer in the fire...

This is my prayer in the battle...

This is my prayer in the harvest...

and it's all the same prayer!

1 Peter 4:11 says "If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." I had heard that verse many times before but it's hard to praise him in the storms. This song made it real to me. My response should be the same if I am given $100 or have to pay $100; if I have joy or sorrow; if I taste life or death. The prayer is this: (chorus)

I will bring praise! I will bring praise!

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice! I will declare

God is my victory and He is here.

Praise is our only reasonable response to any situation, good or bad. I have learned that we, as humans, are subject to the sinful nature of earth and the ruler of the darkness that abides here. Not everything that happens to us was sent by God. I don't believe that this financial crisis the US is facing was sent by God or that the cancer that is ravaging my coworker's sixteen year old daughter was sent by God or that my own daughter's trisomy was sent by God. God knows of these things and has worked them into His plan, but the scripture says: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28. God doesn't only send good and you will not only have good things in your life if you love God, but in all things God works for the good. He will take the bad that we are experiencing here on earth and turn it into something good for us. We may not see it now but someday (maybe in Heaven) we will see the good that has come from tragedy.

The best part of the song, the part that has become my heart cry, is the bridge:

All of my life, in every season,

You are still God

And I have a reason to sing.

I have a reason to worship!

In every season. In every season. In every season...I have a reason to worship! The God of the Universe is still seated on His throne and he still loves me with all of His ginormous heart! I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship. Even when my life is falling apart around me and death weaves its way in and out of my life taking pieces of my heart as it goes, I have a reason to worship!

Some background on this thoughts behind this post... We found out we were pregnant in May and almost exactly a month later, our best couple friends found out they were expecting too. Everyone said we were having a girl and they were having a boy (which was right!) and we were so excited to be pregnant together so we wouldn't have to do anything alone. Then in September, we discovered something was very wrong with our daughter and two weeks later, she was gone. The next week, they found out they were having a perfect boy. Understandably, we have drifted apart some because us girls no longer have anything to talk about. I can't talk about pregnancy anymore (you know, since I'm not pregnant) and at first she was reluctant to talk about it because of the obvious elephant in the room. She got over it after about 15 minutes and began to complain about her pregnancy just like I was anyone other than me; anyone who had not recently lost a baby! Anyway, the rest of her pregnancy has been like that--no mention of Raelyn and a swift change of subject if I brought it up, and many, many complaints about the woes of pregnancy. One of my coworkers asked why we still hang out with them and the only answer I could give surprised me. I wanted to be there if something went wrong. I got no support from anyone at church when we lost Raelyn. I was told to put on a face and never let the congregation see me broken. I wanted to be there for her to cry on if something went terribly wrong because I knew that no one else would.

Fast forward to last night. Last night, she went into labor and when I got the call that she was at the hospital, it was all I could do to get off the phone without bursting into tears. I had not imagined that it would affect me this way. These were not happy tears. These were tears of pain over my own loss and what I will never experience, but they were also tears of supplication. I fell on my face before the Lord and wept over her son and pleaded with Him to divert all His attention to her room. I covered them in prayer until the sobs came so hard that I couldn't breathe. I found this song and I sang that prayer mentioned above until I could breathe again and I could see through my tears. I worshipped Him through my weeping and that bridge became my heart's cry. When I could finally sing with a smile on my face before the Lord, I got up and He gave me sufficient grace to go to the hospital to see her. He gave me grace enough to hug his parents who, as pastors, should have comforted me when I was in the birthing suite. He lavished His grace upon me so that I could to to her room and watch her labor effortlessly (with an epidural, of course) without tears. His grace is enough for me to have no tears when I heard the new grandparents excited adorations over the phone when they called to say that their grandson had arrived safely.

So now, the next morning, as my heart begins to beat again and until we get to meet the new baby and it stops once more, my lifesong sings:

All of my life, in every season,
You are still God
And I have a reason to sing.
I have a reason to worship!

My Marley

2009-02-03T07:33:00.007-06:00

Since I've historically (for the last two weeks) been a real downer here on my blog, I thought I'd introduce you to Marley...ahem... Selah.

Selah is an almost-two-years-old Lab/Husky mix that we've had since she was a puppy. See next picture to see why we had to bring her home with us.

See next picture to see why sometimes we'd like to give her back! That was my pillow that she destroyed and yes, she is laughing at me.

Selah loves cheese, steak, and car rides (and Grandma's house) but hates 'bye-bye' and baths. She routinely forgets how big she has gotten and loves to sit in your lap. She will also lick any and every part of you she can reach. She has the meanest bark I've ever heard/seen (see below) but she gets scared of her own shadow.

Here, she and Chloe (my mom's dog) were 'speaking' for a treat. Can you imagine what she might have done if I hadn't given it to her? Oh yeah, just licked me to death. She can be a good dog when she wants to be but she has apparently picked up some bad habits somewhere.

(That's really a rawhide 'chewie bone' not a stogie! Oh, and please disregard background in all of these pictures...I know it's a mess)

Anyway, we love her... most of the time. She's our Selah/Marley.

A Letter for My Daughter

2009-01-29T18:00:00.000-06:00

For Raelyn,

How does one even begin to address the gift of you? That’s like asking what is it about the ethereal brilliance of a thousand trillion stars beckoning at night from their blanket of blackest velvet that makes us stare. What is it in the innocent smile of a child that makes us smile? Why does the scent of fresh cut grass make us breathe a little deeper and think of our childhood? Why does the crackle of a fire on a cold and blustery night fill us with a sense of peace? Why does the magic of a rainbow and the promise of what is at the end captivate us so? And why do the first wet, feathery touches of perfect little snowflakes upon our cheeks at winter so often make us smile, turning up our faces as we stick out our tongues for the hope of more?

Raelyn, I can't think of you and not feel the heart ache for all that we will miss. Even now, I have only but to close my eyes to see the impish smile of the toothless grin you would have had as a baby. I shed a tear and can hear the echo of your laughter in the image of a young girl, gleefully running down the hallway from your Daddy at bedtime, watching you pretending to be some princess in your pajamas, directing Selah to do your bidding. I think of the Christmases and Thanksgivings we will miss. I think of all the birthdays where we will never get to see you hold your breath to blow out the candles as you make a wish. We won't ever get to see you dressed as a princess, fairy, or some heroine at Halloween nor will we ever get the chance to cheer you on in your endeavors at school as we might have liked. Never will we have the chance to kiss the tears from your cheek and gently place a Band-Aid upon your wounded knee. But always, dear Raelyn, always you will be loved, and always you will be missed.

I shall miss the warmth and joy of walking hand in hand with you. I will miss those first teetering steps, those first babbles and wonderful coos. I shall miss all those wonderful little hugs and kisses. I shall miss all the "Mama's" and "Daddy's" I will never hear uttered from your lips. I shall miss the joy your father would have had in teaching you all about sports, and games, and life. I shall miss helping you choose your school clothes, your prom dress, and your wedding dress. I shall miss seeing you grow up and yes, I shall even miss you fighting with your future siblings. I shall miss the rambunctious child you surely would have been. I will miss the beautiful woman I know you would have become.

I know to ask why is a difficult question and I know it is not one I should really ask. But being human, it is one that comes to mind nonetheless. The truth is I don't know why and I honestly don't think anyone else really knows and so we have to console ourselves the best we can. I do know there is a greater plan in this life, one greater than we could ever hope to comprehend, and sometimes things happen we can't explain; things sometimes happen differently than we would have wanted. But God knows the plan and holds us all in the palm of his hand. He will love us and protect us, even in the things we do not yet understand. I know without a doubt that you are in a better place, and though I will miss so very much every thing you could have ever been, and done, and seen, I know you are safe and happy. I know the Lord will hold you close and protect you. I know He will let you know how very much we love you and how much we wanted you here with us. But you are at His side now, and so hand in hand with Him you shall walk, within His protection and love you will always live. Instead of a mother's hands to hold and guide you, you shall have so much more. You are blessed with the hands of the Lord to catch you when you fall, and a million angels to be there at your every call.

You will always be in our hearts and minds, dear Raelyn. In every sunrise I shall see the warmth of your smile. In every sunset I will see the majesty of the gift of your short presence in our lives has provided. With every twinkle of the stars in the endless night, I shall know you are watching over us. I will know the whisper of your voice in the wind and be content for I know you are safe and happy. Raelyn, there is so much I would have liked to have shown you, so many things I would have liked to have said, but for now those things must wait. In the meantime, rest well my daughter and be at peace. Dwell in the assurance that you are loved and missed. You may be gone from our lives, but you will never be forgotten, the light of your love and precious life will always live within us and glow ever steady until we shall meet again. I thank God each day for the gift of you and feel so very blessed and privileged to have had the chance to have you in our lives, no matter however brief that time may have been. Motherhood begins with an idea and you were my beginning. I'll always be your Mama, first and foremost.

My beautiful daughter,
I love you.

January 29, 2009

2009-01-29T07:00:00.004-06:00

Sorry for the ramblings to come in this post, but I guess you knew they were coming from the title of my blog.

I'm having difficulties reconciling all my feelings (or lack thereof) with my faith. I feel... numb. I don't know how else to describe it. It has been four months so everyone thinks that I am okay or that I am 'over it' because I can fake a smile at work or I don't run away crying when my coworker tells me she is expecting a girl. Maybe I am okay because of those things. But, it has only been four months. I should still be crying and sad, right? I watched a movie last night in which the leading lady lost two babies. My heart physically hurt, but I didn't cry for her or for me. That hurt in my chest is the only tangible feeling that I can name. It happens in moments like that movie, or pictures of a close friend's baby girl, or a baby shower invitation, or the news that my coworker is having a girl. It is a crushing weight on my heart that takes my breath away for a moment and I feel a prickling at the back of my eyes, but no tears come. Sometimes I will them to come. I long for that catharsis that only crying until there are no more tears can bring. I feel like I need to be broken as I was in those first empty days without her; those days when there was nothing to do but lean on God.

This numbness is horrifying. It is the glue that holds me together and keeps me from falling apart even though that is exactly what I need to do. I don't know how to break it. I pray but it feels like I am dictating a report--there is no feeling, no passion, no response from my spirit. My heart doesn't leap at the thought of talking with God anymore. It's not because I have lost hope--I have immense hope for the future both here on Earth and in Heaven. We will have children (one way or another), we will get through this together, and we will be reunited with Raelyn in Heaven. However, we don't have Raelyn now, and I don't have more children on the way yet. Maybe I just don't have hope for the present, and I don't know how to deal with that.

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him ~Psalm 37:3-7

While I'm Waiting

2009-01-28T09:51:00.010-06:00

My favorite song (at the moment) is 'While I'm Waiting' by John Waller. Listen to the song here. I first heard it in the movie Fireproof (awesome!) and loved it so much I went and bought the CD the next day. Below are the lyrics along with a note from John Waller explaining the song. The lyrics mirror the cry of my heart and what I am trying to do...

While I’m Waiting

"The explanation for this song is simple, I was waiting on God and I was hurting when I wrote the lyrics. I probably wouldn’t have written a song if my friend, Mike, hadn’t encouraged me to document what I was going through during that time. I’m sure there are few people who can’t relate to this song, but the important thing to remember while we’re waiting on God is to not just wait but to actively wait. Serve, worship and be faithful with what you have, where you are… “even while (you) wait.”

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting

I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

Also, I read this poem today on another blog and borrowed it because it sounded just like some of my conversations with God over the past few months. I still have much to learn from this journey.

Wait by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I begged and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

January 26, 2009

2009-01-27T08:12:00.006-06:00

Baby Girl,

Today is the day. I was supposed to meet you today. I was supposed to hear your first cry, see the color of your hair and eyes, and feel your weight nestled against my chest. I was supposed to write Raelyn Elise on your birth certificate as you wrote on my heart. I was supposed to memorize your face with my fingertips. I was supposed to see the love of a daddy holding his daughter for the first time. I was supposed to see grandparents come together and forget their differences (for one day at least) for your sake.

Instead, you have already come and been gone almost four months now. Instead, I am staring at your name written in the sands of Australia and hoping that you know that one is your name. Instead, I cover your pictures with the fingerprints of a mother who wants her daughter back. Instead, I watch the pain flash through your daddy's eyes as he remembers the significance of this date. Instead, I lie in bed wondering where we would be if things had been different.

I must remind myself constantly that for things to have been different, we would have had to step out of God's will. It hurts so much, but maybe this is where I am supposed to be...

I love you with all my heart,
Mama

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. ~Psalm 139

Not Today

2009-01-22T07:51:00.005-06:00

Still not pregnant.

But I'm okay with that... sort of. It is hard for me to reconcile wanting to honor Raelyn's short life and yet wanting to be pregnant again so badly. I watched a video last night from this blogpost called Plan A vs. Plan B. It is a small window into the lives of Angie and Todd Smith, the proud parents of Audrey Caroline. Watch it if you have time because it really reaffirmed to me what God has been trying to tell me these past 4 months. I feel like I am living Plan B because Plan A (you know, the one where I am bringing my newborn baby girl home sometime this week) was shattered into a million pieces last Sept 29. The reality is that my Plan B will ALWAYS be better than my Plan A. Always.

Why, you ask? Because my Plan B is the only one that I don't have my hands in. It is completely ordained and formulated from God's heart and His will for my life. I have the illusion of control while I am living in Plan A because it is my agenda. I heard in a country song once "if you want to hear God laugh, just tell Him your plans." My Plan A could never be as great or as well thought out or... as difficult as God's plan is for my life. I have to go through the trials to be tested, tried, and found pure or I will break, but that doesn't make me like it any more. It is an awful feeling to be told that your firstborn daughter will not live, but at the same time, it is an amazing feeling to know that until you get there, your daughter is in the hands of the greatest babysitter ever! She will be held in the arms of Jesus until He hands her back to me! She'll never have to experience pain or heartbreak or live her entire life, however short, with needles and tubes and doctors. She went straight from the love and comfort of my womb to her Father's waiting arms. In that aspect, I know that His plan is better.

The other HUGE part of Plan A vs. Plan B is that Plan A never really existed. Angie is right--nothing that happens here on Earth is a surprise to God. It all fits perfectly into His plan--my Plan B or C or Z. How can I be so distraught over something that never really existed? Huh. I have been asked that question in different forms countless times since losing Raelyn--"at least she hadn't been born yet" or "at least you didn't really know her." A close friend told me that motherhood begins with an idea. Before any positive test or sickness or movement, there is the idea of pregnancy and a newborn baby at the end of it. So, not only am I mourning the loss of my baby girl, but also the loss of this dream, this plan that I had for my life.

That is what I have to give up to God--the loss of the dream--because it shouldn't have been my focus anyway. Now I am trying to shift my focus from the life that goes on around me to the Author of that life so that my thoughts become more like His and I am not so against His plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

The Deepest Part

2009-01-21T13:09:00.003-06:00

I open this blog with the deepest part of these 'Heart and Soul Ramblings'. It is a poem that I carry with me at all times and it perfectly descibes my life at this point.

Search my face and you will see Raelyn is here with me.

Look closely, she is the hidden tear in my eye.

As I laugh, she is the curve of my smile.

When you listen, she is the quiet whisper behind each word I speak.

She is the angel lying on my chest, rising & falling with each breath.

She is the thought that takes me far away from the moment.

If you know me, you will see her.

Raelyn is in my heart to be seen by those willing to look.